Good Mourning

“Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest; Good morning independence or is it loneliness?; I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets; I pray for God’s will to be done; The very next day you were gone; Oh Ohhhhhh; Good morning to the harsh realities of life; and good morning to the fact we’re not husband and wife. I know that God’s will will be done; so I lay down my pain and I’m moving on.” India Arie

Author’s Note: I originally wasn’t going to post this, but well I received an email today and all I can think: “Why art thou emailing me, oh sweet keeper of mine heart?” I guess that’s all it takes to bring me back to square one.

Recently, I let my emotions get the best of me. One of my favorite bloggers (WIM) on SBM.org wrote a piece on 5 ways that men break up with women. And even with all the mental preparation, I still reacted out of character, responding while memories clouded my judgment blinding me to uselessness of revenge.

I reread the good guy part and my visceral/instinctual response was that this ninja should be water boarded until his eyes bleed.

I shake my head at my own foolishness, at my inability to let bygones rest firmly in the past. No, in fact I couldn’t hold my tongue. Instead while I sit on the train, reading a passage of my life written by a stranger, I again try to justify my decisions… even though with every heartbeat I stagger, second-guessing. Should I have fought harder? Should I have accepted what he had to offer, knowing it wasn’t enough? Did I really enable this man to treat me exactly the way he did, harboring his disregard as a temperate affection?

Some days you just want to know when the “missing” will end. You want to know when you’ll stop comparing other potentials to the prototype who doesn’t want you. It’s almost four months to the day when “we” became “me”, when “I” changed to the diminutive to form “independence”. And I still remember everything.

Do you know what is inherently, fundamentally, formatively wrong with The Good Guy? Even after the relationship ends, you don’t feel like he was wrong in his decision not to choose you a) because he keeps coming back for minute (and tender) moments b) because he will say you’re so great, but just not enough.

Do you want to turn a good woman into a maniac? Tell her that perfectly wrapped gift basket of her love is missing a few items and thus cannot be appreciated.

And even after you tell him for good to leave you alone, he still has the ability to creep up in your memory or idle conversation leaving you to wonder at the scared faces of metro riders while black streaks of mascara run down your face from your silent sobbing when you think you’re “over it”. That this man can move on in milliseconds while you’re left wondering/questioning if any part of your love is good enough for anyone. If you’re ever going to be brave enough to give the next man ( a potential good one) the same fragmented pieces of yourself that embody a woman who’s willing and wanting to contribute to your happiness (and hopefully receive your love in return).

Here you are vacillating in a pool of tepid emotions trying to reestablish your foundation, when this negro goes and contacts you again. This slimy, slithering, salope de merde, who you refuse to believe can be so callous, cold, contacts you AGAIN!

Your left wondering if you made the right decision, until finally you write him a love letter in closing: to give him a last chance before deleting all memories (paper and electronic) in hopes of starting over. This letter is perhaps the best piece of poetic justification of your feelings you have ever written; in essence you’ve captured your heartbeat on the inked pages, bleeding blue blood of beautiful.

Do you think this son-of-a-biscuit eater responds? Nope! Perfectly sculpted butterfly wings once marred by human hands can never fly again; I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen to me.

I’ve finally gotten to a point where I don’t cry every day. I fall asleep without thinking about him, wake up to other items on my mind. Less gun-shy, I’m able to flirt again, able to smile sincerely inviting you near; welcoming you in.

But I want to get to a place where I don’t reverberate back to those emotions: where I don’t feel stifled by his previous presence. I want to get to a place where decisions are accepted and relished, instead of regretted. I want to fly again.

Readers: Have you ever loved that one person, and he/she got away? Do you regret letting them go? Would you fight to get them back? Do you accept less because you love them more?

Don’t forget to check out my latest guest posts. I answered 7 Random Questions on Up4Dsn’s site. Poke around his page, he always has good blogs up. Additionally, I wrote 4 ways to survive the winter when you’re alone on a great relationship & dating website called PersonalsFacts.com. Check it out!

My Boo

“There’s always that one person, That will always have your heart, You never see it coming, Cause you’re blinded from the start, Know that you’re that one for me, It’s clear for everyone to see, Ooh baby ooh you’ll always be my boo” Usher & Alicia Keys 

“5 Rules for my man who wants to be friends with his Ex”

I eschew the idea of being friends with an Ex. I don’t have a lot of male friends. It’s really difficult to be a platonic friend to straight male in general—but when you add to the mix a previous romantic chemistry, it’s even more awkward. Secondly, if I’ve ever had deep feelings for you, they won’t go away just because the relationship is over. So I stay far away to save myself from limbo.

The Kane Show recently brought up a listeners dilemma where her ex of four years came back in the picture after cheating on her, wanting to be friends. She’s in a new relationship and the new boyfriend formed a set of rules for the “new friendship”. Some of the listeners and @misssarahfrazier said the rules were borderline controlling. The men on the show thought it was a great idea. For some reason reading SBM.org and VSB has me siding with the dudes most of the time. But it also got me thinking what 5 staple rules I would require of my man if he wanted to be friends with his ex.

1. The rules & the discussion of those rules are between us alone. Here’s the thing (and what I wrote about in the Kim K divorce) the perception of your relationship by others has a lot of weight. [Single] folks are mad vocal about what they will/will not do in their couple-hood; and by listening to that constant chatter there’s the potential to have one of those ideas trickle into your harmony. If you feel constricted come to me first.

2. No late nights alone ever. This includes late dinners, drinks, texting, telephone calls. It’s true that freaks come out at night and that the unleashed tension from either party will release when you’re together… memories flood in, the need to recapture the moment, blah blah blah. All it takes is one pointedly inappropriate comment/caress for you to forget about the great person you have waiting at home.

3. All communication is fair game. I hate to turn into the police on this one, but if I want to see an email/ text exchange or the records of how often/how long you talk to each other— then you can’t say no. I’m not a snoop. I’m not going to dig for dirt. If you leave your email open I’ll close it, if you get a text I’ll simply hand you your phone. I’m very trusting in a relationship and I hope that you will share these conversations with me in the same way you share other events in your life— without me asking. But if I ever start to question your loyalty, I would expect you to relinquish your right to privacy. Call it a cursory review of potential evidence.

4. Limit interactions to public functions. Don’t start treating your Ex like your current. This means she shouldn’t be your date, plus one, or guest of honor for any work function, friend’s party, family event, the movies, etc. Don’t invite her to your house and you betta not be at hers. These are intimate acts which distinguish a platonic friend from a special someone. Your significant other reserves all rights to these occasions.

5. If you catch feelings, tell me immediately. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not going to fight for you—it would be a shallow victory anyway. If I win over her, I’m left questioning whether you really want to be with me in general. Eventually, it would tear us apart. What I will do is present the facts. I’ll remind you of why you left her; I’ll count the reasons why we’re good together; I’ll tell you what you mean to me— that’s it. The choice is yours after our litigation of sorts. If you still choose to proceed with the separation SAYONARA! Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

As long as the communication remains open, I’m cool with Ex’s as friends. But I hate being caught off guard. So if you decide to build a replacement life with her, respect me enough to tell me ahead of time. Cheating will turn the most dignified woman into a hoodrat, #truth.com

Readers: What do you think? Can Ex’s be friends? Should there be rules? I’ve come up with 5 key rules, can you think of more? Do you agree/disagree with the list I’ve compiled?