My Boo

“There’s always that one person, That will always have your heart, You never see it coming, Cause you’re blinded from the start, Know that you’re that one for me, It’s clear for everyone to see, Ooh baby ooh you’ll always be my boo” Usher & Alicia Keys 

“5 Rules for my man who wants to be friends with his Ex”

I eschew the idea of being friends with an Ex. I don’t have a lot of male friends. It’s really difficult to be a platonic friend to straight male in general—but when you add to the mix a previous romantic chemistry, it’s even more awkward. Secondly, if I’ve ever had deep feelings for you, they won’t go away just because the relationship is over. So I stay far away to save myself from limbo.

The Kane Show recently brought up a listeners dilemma where her ex of four years came back in the picture after cheating on her, wanting to be friends. She’s in a new relationship and the new boyfriend formed a set of rules for the “new friendship”. Some of the listeners and @misssarahfrazier said the rules were borderline controlling. The men on the show thought it was a great idea. For some reason reading SBM.org and VSB has me siding with the dudes most of the time. But it also got me thinking what 5 staple rules I would require of my man if he wanted to be friends with his ex.

1. The rules & the discussion of those rules are between us alone. Here’s the thing (and what I wrote about in the Kim K divorce) the perception of your relationship by others has a lot of weight. [Single] folks are mad vocal about what they will/will not do in their couple-hood; and by listening to that constant chatter there’s the potential to have one of those ideas trickle into your harmony. If you feel constricted come to me first.

2. No late nights alone ever. This includes late dinners, drinks, texting, telephone calls. It’s true that freaks come out at night and that the unleashed tension from either party will release when you’re together… memories flood in, the need to recapture the moment, blah blah blah. All it takes is one pointedly inappropriate comment/caress for you to forget about the great person you have waiting at home.

3. All communication is fair game. I hate to turn into the police on this one, but if I want to see an email/ text exchange or the records of how often/how long you talk to each other— then you can’t say no. I’m not a snoop. I’m not going to dig for dirt. If you leave your email open I’ll close it, if you get a text I’ll simply hand you your phone. I’m very trusting in a relationship and I hope that you will share these conversations with me in the same way you share other events in your life— without me asking. But if I ever start to question your loyalty, I would expect you to relinquish your right to privacy. Call it a cursory review of potential evidence.

4. Limit interactions to public functions. Don’t start treating your Ex like your current. This means she shouldn’t be your date, plus one, or guest of honor for any work function, friend’s party, family event, the movies, etc. Don’t invite her to your house and you betta not be at hers. These are intimate acts which distinguish a platonic friend from a special someone. Your significant other reserves all rights to these occasions.

5. If you catch feelings, tell me immediately. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not going to fight for you—it would be a shallow victory anyway. If I win over her, I’m left questioning whether you really want to be with me in general. Eventually, it would tear us apart. What I will do is present the facts. I’ll remind you of why you left her; I’ll count the reasons why we’re good together; I’ll tell you what you mean to me— that’s it. The choice is yours after our litigation of sorts. If you still choose to proceed with the separation SAYONARA! Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

As long as the communication remains open, I’m cool with Ex’s as friends. But I hate being caught off guard. So if you decide to build a replacement life with her, respect me enough to tell me ahead of time. Cheating will turn the most dignified woman into a hoodrat, #truth.com

Readers: What do you think? Can Ex’s be friends? Should there be rules? I’ve come up with 5 key rules, can you think of more? Do you agree/disagree with the list I’ve compiled?

About these ads

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. D. Davis
    Dec 05, 2011 @ 08:21:25

    I think it depends on the situation surrounding the relationship in general. As someone who has always “dated” friends and friends only, I find it easier to go back to being friends after a break-up, because of the time, energy, etc. given in building the friendship prior to the relationship. However, I think if you’re going to maintain that friendship, the person you’re currently dating should also be involved in that friendship. If we’re friends you should at least be friendly with my new boo, that doesn’t mean that the two guys should be in a “bro-mance”, but they should be cordial to one another if in the same area.

    And I think your rules are fine. Makes sense to me, and if you’re upfront with them and everyone is on the same page, then it should be fine.

    Reply

  2. Up4Dsn
    Dec 05, 2011 @ 17:37:05

    “As long as the communication remains open, I’m cool with Ex’s as friends.”

    That pretty much sums up how I feel. I’m all about trusting my woman when we are in a relationship. I will let her know upfront if she cheats that our relationship is over. She can take that at face value. So I’m not going to be out here tripping and worrying about where she’s at, who she’s with or what she’s doing. If I find out she hasn’t be honest or has been up to no good…it’s over. Simple as that.

    Yet…I ain’t gonna lie. My woman being cool with her ex would be awkward at the least. Male friends I understand…but your ex?! Why are y’all still in contact? What’s his purpose? That’s what I’m going to want to know.

    I like the idea of the rules, but I would prefer them to be known and not so much listed out and posted on the refrigerator as a reminder. She should know that her actions will have consequences and the ultimate one is the end of our union together.

    In regards to your rules they all seem on point. The only one I’m not a fan of is #3. I’m not with checking phones, emails, texts and tweets. That’s her business…and my business. If we’re acting right there’s no need to go snooping. #4 is a MUST! They aren’t dating so that type of stuff should not be going down. I’m with you on #5 all the way. If my woman’s feelings for me change I want her to come to me and be honest. Don’t lie, deceive and cheat because you’re not woman enough to have a face to face conversation with me and tell me the truth about how you feel.

    Great post!

    Reply

    • justlissen
      Dec 05, 2011 @ 18:03:52

      “Why are y’all still in contact? What’s his purpose?” This statement is the exact reason why rules are necessary. It’s not that I don’t trust you… I don’t trust the Ex. Think about it, you only know one side of the story– the side that your mate tells you, usually they don’t hold their Exes in the highest regard. But if they do, wouldn’t you be concerned that they would try to take your girl back?
      I agree with you about #3. I’m not a fan of snooping. But I want to know that you won’t deny me if I ask. I think it’s the principle behind it, that there are no secrets creating divisions.

      thanks for commenting as always!

      Reply

      • Up4Dsn
        Dec 05, 2011 @ 18:26:26

        Would I be worried about them taking my woman? lol Not at all. The only reason I can answer that so matter-of-factly is because I’m all about ending things if she cheats. I don’t have to worry about trusting her ex. I place all the responsibility on her. I’m in a relationship with her…not her ex.

        The questions I posed don’t make me think rules need to be in place. Instead it makes me know that her and I need to communicate. We have to sit down and talk about the situation. I’ll let her know how I feel and what concerns I have and I will listen to what she has to say about the situation. I’m not the type of person who is into forcing rules on people or giving them ultimatums. I prefer to talk and communicate until we can both settle on the same page. We both need to have the same understand of the situation. I feel if that’s the case there is no need for rules or ultimatums. It may seem idealistic, but that’s what I believe in…clear and meaningful communication.

  3. The Suburban Thug
    Dec 05, 2011 @ 17:47:31

    This was a pretty good read. Most men, truthfully, can’t handle it, especially if the ex was real good to their girl, but the past relationship didn’t work for a decent reason, sans cheating, drug habits, or other forms of ratchetness, but I digress. I agree with just about all of your list, except for the last one. Maybe it’s just my personal make up, but if I feel like, if I have to rehash the why’s, who’s and what’s, we’d be a done deal anyway.

    Reply

    • justlissen
      Dec 05, 2011 @ 18:07:08

      Thanks for visiting and for commenting!
      I don’t think I can handle a man who’s friends with his Ex, the whole idea makes me uncomfortable… probably stemming along the lines of “what are you getting from her that I’m not providing?” *shrugs*
      I think #5 is the woman in me. I won’t let you go without telling you how I feel, lol. It at least gives me peace of mind before it ends. I never want that weighted silence because there were things left unsaid.
      Hope you come back soon!

      Reply

  4. Shibby23
    Dec 06, 2011 @ 12:28:24

    I don’t believe that you should give your partner rules regarding their friendships with the opposite sex. If you have open communication, respect and mutual trust in your relationship then his friendship with an ex or other women should not bother you and vice versa.

    Reply

  5. Jimmy Jacob (@Personalsfacts)
    Dec 06, 2011 @ 17:55:06

    This is an amazing list! I wish I had this list with me….however, I do believe in privacy. If you have to ask to see emails from someone or texts from someone, then there really isn’t enough trust in the relationship in the first place.

    Great post!

    Reply

  6. Teasa
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 16:43:19

    If a person is already friends with their ex when you meet them, that’s one thing. I would not agree with an ex coming back into my husband’s life wanting to be friends. There is no need. Even if they ended up having to communicate for some reason that’s a coincidence (business reason or mutual friend). They can be associates and keep it moving. Friendships are different.
    Otherwise I don’t have a problem with exes as long as they are respectful. The rules listed above are fine and some should be expected.
    Sometimes it’s a shame how we mess up good friendships to be in relationships we should’ve never been in. God places people in our lives and we will be attracted some aspect but it doesn’t have to go to a bf/gf
    connection. We then risk our friendship inbthe future because every person cannot emotionally handle someone even mentioning their ex.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: