Good Mourning

“Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest; Good morning independence or is it loneliness?; I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets; I pray for God’s will to be done; The very next day you were gone; Oh Ohhhhhh; Good morning to the harsh realities of life; and good morning to the fact we’re not husband and wife. I know that God’s will will be done; so I lay down my pain and I’m moving on.” India Arie

Author’s Note: I originally wasn’t going to post this, but well I received an email today and all I can think: “Why art thou emailing me, oh sweet keeper of mine heart?” I guess that’s all it takes to bring me back to square one.

Recently, I let my emotions get the best of me. One of my favorite bloggers (WIM) on SBM.org wrote a piece on 5 ways that men break up with women. And even with all the mental preparation, I still reacted out of character, responding while memories clouded my judgment blinding me to uselessness of revenge.

I reread the good guy part and my visceral/instinctual response was that this ninja should be water boarded until his eyes bleed.

I shake my head at my own foolishness, at my inability to let bygones rest firmly in the past. No, in fact I couldn’t hold my tongue. Instead while I sit on the train, reading a passage of my life written by a stranger, I again try to justify my decisions… even though with every heartbeat I stagger, second-guessing. Should I have fought harder? Should I have accepted what he had to offer, knowing it wasn’t enough? Did I really enable this man to treat me exactly the way he did, harboring his disregard as a temperate affection?

Some days you just want to know when the “missing” will end. You want to know when you’ll stop comparing other potentials to the prototype who doesn’t want you. It’s almost four months to the day when “we” became “me”, when “I” changed to the diminutive to form “independence”. And I still remember everything.

Do you know what is inherently, fundamentally, formatively wrong with The Good Guy? Even after the relationship ends, you don’t feel like he was wrong in his decision not to choose you a) because he keeps coming back for minute (and tender) moments b) because he will say you’re so great, but just not enough.

Do you want to turn a good woman into a maniac? Tell her that perfectly wrapped gift basket of her love is missing a few items and thus cannot be appreciated.

And even after you tell him for good to leave you alone, he still has the ability to creep up in your memory or idle conversation leaving you to wonder at the scared faces of metro riders while black streaks of mascara run down your face from your silent sobbing when you think you’re “over it”. That this man can move on in milliseconds while you’re left wondering/questioning if any part of your love is good enough for anyone. If you’re ever going to be brave enough to give the next man ( a potential good one) the same fragmented pieces of yourself that embody a woman who’s willing and wanting to contribute to your happiness (and hopefully receive your love in return).

Here you are vacillating in a pool of tepid emotions trying to reestablish your foundation, when this negro goes and contacts you again. This slimy, slithering, salope de merde, who you refuse to believe can be so callous, cold, contacts you AGAIN!

Your left wondering if you made the right decision, until finally you write him a love letter in closing: to give him a last chance before deleting all memories (paper and electronic) in hopes of starting over. This letter is perhaps the best piece of poetic justification of your feelings you have ever written; in essence you’ve captured your heartbeat on the inked pages, bleeding blue blood of beautiful.

Do you think this son-of-a-biscuit eater responds? Nope! Perfectly sculpted butterfly wings once marred by human hands can never fly again; I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen to me.

I’ve finally gotten to a point where I don’t cry every day. I fall asleep without thinking about him, wake up to other items on my mind. Less gun-shy, I’m able to flirt again, able to smile sincerely inviting you near; welcoming you in.

But I want to get to a place where I don’t reverberate back to those emotions: where I don’t feel stifled by his previous presence. I want to get to a place where decisions are accepted and relished, instead of regretted. I want to fly again.

Readers: Have you ever loved that one person, and he/she got away? Do you regret letting them go? Would you fight to get them back? Do you accept less because you love them more?

Don’t forget to check out my latest guest posts. I answered 7 Random Questions on Up4Dsn’s site. Poke around his page, he always has good blogs up. Additionally, I wrote 4 ways to survive the winter when you’re alone on a great relationship & dating website called PersonalsFacts.com. Check it out!

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Janell
    Dec 15, 2011 @ 09:30:37

    There’s some level of comfort in knowing that you are not in a relationship where one of the two people doesn’t want to be there and one of you is pretending that everything is okay when it really isn’t. A loving relationship should be genuine for both people. Down with the facade and up with reality.

    Reply

  2. Candi
    Dec 15, 2011 @ 12:35:56

    *applauds* I’ve never read anything so beautifully written! Only because it captured each and every whim of emotion that I, also, felt during my breakup back in May. Mine drama would take a lot of extra to get over being that we have a daughter together. But the part, “This slimy, slithering, salope de merde, who you refuse to believe can be so callous, cold, contacts you AGAIN!”… wasn’t so much of contacting, but realizing that he wanted me AGAIN. After moving on, at least feeling like I was there, there’s no easy way to look pass whatever it was that the 2 of you use to have.

    I wouldn’t except less because of the “aggressive” love that I have for him. But if I could see the sincere and honesty, then yes, I would try to make it work. If the past still lingers and taken over again by the rage I endured at the time of “war”, then no, I would just let it be.

    Great Post

    Reply

  3. Jimmy Jacob (@Personalsfacts)
    Dec 20, 2011 @ 11:30:30

    Well I guess you know I’m guilty of being the “good guy.” :P

    Sometimes we hold on to love like how others hold on to nostalgia—just because someone made you feel good years or months ago, doesn’t necessarily mean they will make you feel good now.

    Holding on to a memory of someone is unhealthy…especially when you spend so much of your time obsessing about them. Never let a lost love define your happiness.

    Don’t let your heartbreak consume you…let it help you evolve into the woman you were always meant to be.

    Reply

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