“This is what makes us girls, We all look for heaven and we put our love first, Somethin’ that we’d die for, it’s our curse, Don’t cry about it, don’t cry about it, This is what makes us girls, We all stick together cause we put our love first, Don’t cry about him, don’t cry about him, It’s all gonna happen”-
I thought something was wrong with me because I want to be single. Not that I’m opposed to dating, but for the first time in my life I want everything to be all about me. I’m at a peculiar crossroad where I don’t care about anyone’s experiences, thoughts, opinions, cares, concerns: especially if your idea of courting is to dump all your worries on my shoulders to cushion and clarify. I don’t really care about your life.
And as contrary to my character as this may sound, for the first time in my life the world has to revolve around me. It has to. 2012 has been a whirlwind, life decided to show its true colors in hazes of furious red or depressing black, and as I wade through those colors and the effects on my every day I don’t have time to also dissect and decipher your rainbow.
Therein lies the problem. There’s this guy, a nice guy, a super nice guy, who likes me. We’ve been talking for a short while and now have settled into a routine that is unsatisfying. Because I run hot and cold, you have to catch me right at boiling to hold my interest. That’s when I think about letting you in; I test you to see if you can handle my rare emotional discrepancies; I make an effort to fit you in to my routine. Once you miss that limited span of time, I completely lose interest. It’s not even that you’re in the “friend-zone”; you’re more a non-MFing factor. He’s there now, even though he doesn’t know it… yet.
Here’s what I want. I want that incessant need to chat/spend time uncovering, revealing, and indulging in the company of someone who holds your attention. I need to feel special every day. Not all day. But every day I need something new to make me feel desired, wanted. I want the freedom to be my own person and keep my schedule, for him to do the same, relishing the moments where our time collides. I need the passion that spins my head, gives me googly-eyes mimicking those emoticons, has me talking about you in wonderment to anyone who will listen, where I find that song that represents you and listen to it when I miss you. I want that chemistry that has me day-dreaming of straddling you in your car, making out in parking lots, laying my head on your shoulder, your fingers ruffling my hair, the warmth of your arm around my waist.
None of those previously listed desires do I find in Mr. Recent. He has mentioned that he’s shy, perhaps jaded from a past relationship, passive in his pursuit. So I took the direct approach, told him that I want to have fun, be flirted with, kissed with intensity. Spend time with me, I said. Joke with me, laugh with me, talk to me like you’ve fantasied about me naked, I mentioned casually when asked what I’m looking for. I tried to be as clear as possible as to my expectations.
I feel like this is my fault. I’m looking to relive something I’ve never had, the experience where dating is fun and nonchalant: the mutually beneficial liaison that is neither serious nor flippant. Every relationship I’ve spent the whole time getting lost in a “him” because I either didn’t know who I was or didn’t like my reflection at the time. And “he” would either derail my plans or distract from my failures. I’m no longer standing on the diving board ready to drown in the ambitions of another “him” to avoid the mirror showing my faults.
So I have to let him go. Because he’s not what I want. And I can’t be what he needs. Before he’s too invested, before emotions are involved, before he makes declarations that unveil his intentions we will part ways.
I have to thank @jozenc’s piece today on UntilIGetMarried.com, especially the line: “I was crazy for thinking a man like me is something she wanted simply because she was a woman.” He wrote a piece that made it seem normal for wanting to choose singleness over someone who is great, just because you can, because that’s the place you’re at right now. It has nothing to do with the guy. It’s simply a decision to be alone. And there’s nothing wrong with that. And there’s nothing wrong with me. Sometimes you need to hear that.