Day by Day

I love musicals… I listen to show tunes at work. It keeps me focused and motivated. I just love show tunes. One of my favorite is from Godspell: Day by Day.

“Day by Day, Day by Day, Oh Dear Lord, Three things I pray: To see thee more clearly, love thee more dearly, follow thee more nearly; Day by Day”.

 I realize how strongly my relationship with God is suffering on this path to self-discovery. It’s not that we don’t communicate. But it’s not as frequent as it used to be. Instead of hourly interactions, we have maybe daily brief overviews. It’s like I’m SparkNoting my relationship with God. And it really has nothing to do with Him or me (well it must be me), but it’s just that I don’t know how to wrestle with what I’m going through. Of course I’m supposed to lay it before the Lord, but honestly I want to feel every part of this battle. That’s the problem I’m having: How do I love God and love myself at the same time?

I’ve spent 19 years of my life, not loving myself or feeling loved in return. Now I feel unconditional love (PRAISE HIM), but I want to learn to love myself. It’s like I’m compartmentalizing God. It’s sad. I wish there was a book… haha the Bible…duh! But it’s so hard to read… I mean the stories take too much thinking. I don’t want to be in school again.

I’m so lazy. Thank God there is a class at my church that teaches you how to read the Bible effectively. I really should sign up. Maybe on payday… I really am lazy. I haven’t been to church in a while. Not that I don’t like church, but I always work late on Monday and I want Sunday to be mine. But then I’m guilty because what day have I given to God. Urgh, it’s so hard to die unto yourself. Especially if you didn’t  grow up in the church. This is all a learning experience and it’s exhausting!

I know you’re not supposed to say that. You’re supposed to suck it up because God has done so much for you. But for once I just want to be selfish… I really need to grow up.

I really should just keep this song in mind… and do want comes naturally:

“Day by Day, Day by Day, Oh Dear Lord, Three things I pray: To see thee more clearly, love thee more dearly, follow thee more nearly; Day by Day”.

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