It Might As Well Be Spring

“I’m as restless as a willow in a windstorm, I’m as jumpy as a puppet on a string, I’d say that I had spring fever, but it isn’t spring. I am starry-eyed and vaguely discontented, like a nightingale without a song to sing. O why should I have spring fever, when it isn’t even spring. I keep wishing I were somewhere else, walking down a strange new street; hearing words that I’ve never heard from a man I’ve yet to meet. I’m as busy as a spider spinning daydreams, I’m as giddy as a baby on a swing. I haven’t seen a crocus or a rosebud or a robin on the wing.  But I feel so gay, in a melancholy way, that it might as well be spring. It might as well be spring.” (Ella Fitzgerald version)

I’ve never posted a whole song before. But this time it’s pertinent.

Sometimes life can be a little overwhelming. I feel as though I have nothing to complain about: for now I have a job, my health, I’m financially stable (to a point), and I walk with Christ. But lately there’s been a heavy pressure on my heart; as though my joy has dissipated with the morning dew. Every little thing irks my nerves.

This month it’s the weddings and engagements. It seems that everyone I know is getting married or engaged. Though my heart is overjoyed by the luck of these couples; my brain can’t fathom the happily-ever-after that entices them to get married. Though I am “starry-eyed” at the prospect of love everlasting, I’m “vaguely discontented” that “forever thine, forever mine, forever ours” rarely survives.

Moreover, it’s these cynical thoughts that have corrupted my happiness. I am a stranger in my own body. I’m so disappointed lately. Recently, we had a poll in the sorority asking about your mental state: What are you struggling with? General happiness with where I am in life.

I want so much more from myself: I want to be more diligent in my relationship with God; I want a job where I’m excited to go to work every day; I want to own a house; I want to travel the country; I want to work things out with my family and accept them for who they are; I want to stop hating myself for every mistake I made and make; I want to be in love and loved in return.

I keep thinking that everything I’ve done from high school to today is a huge mistake: I should have majored in something different; I should have gone to grad school straight from undergrad; I should have traveled abroad more when I had the chance; I should have never pursued MYD or given away something irreplaceable; I should have tried out for every talent show, every musical, every play.

All these shoulda, coulda, woulda feelings have weighed drastically on my personality. People have mentioned repeatedly: L, What’s wrong? How do you explain feelings of inadequacy and dissention?

 As much as I appreciate reality/ truth/fact, I can’t escape my daydreams. My motto: Fantasy is what people want, reality is what people need; I’ve retired from the fantasy. I’m ready to come out of retirement, if only for a short while, so that I may live in an alternate universe. I’m listless.

It may not be spring but I have spring fever…

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Lady
    Jul 19, 2010 @ 17:27:12

    “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
    — Mother Teresa

    I think it’s time start crossing things off your ‘what if/wish’ list. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds…but then again, maybe it is.

    Reply

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