Blackbird

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise. Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these sunken eyes and learn to see. All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free. Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly, into the light of a dark black night.” The Beatles

Honestly, I love the Beatles… I think they are reportedly one of the best bands ever to exist. As much as I enjoy their popular songs, I’m more inspired by their less popular albums/songs… As controversial as it all seems, Harrison was my favorite Beatle; writing great hits such as “Something” and “My Guitar Gently Weeps”. Mostly, I liked the White Album and Abby Road. They are two of my favorite even though they chronicle the dispersion of the Beatles as a band.

“I look at the world and I notice it’s turning, While my guitar gently weeps, With every mistake we must surely be learning, Still my guitar gently weeps”

I’m a little sidetracked as The Beatles weren’t the message to be outlined in this blogpost. Back to the beginning…

“[Blackbird] you were only waiting for this moment to arise” I’m sensitive to things outside of my sphere. My mother calls me an Empath.  I’m very intuitive and hypersensitive to emotions and conditions of other people. I used to translate this as ‘the need to help others’. I often take on other people’s problems, or know when something is wrong even without being near. People see me as a great listener or someone to open up to, even if we’re strangers to one another.

I’m constantly bombarded by emotions that do not originate internally and usually I can’t address the core issues behind what I’m feeling.

At the same time I struggle with the weight of my own burdens. I acknowledge that I have a sinful nature. I’m often pulled in multiple directions by temptation. And then I feel so guilty, overwhelmed by guilt because I feel like I’m betraying God.

Then I hear this awesome sermon by Mike Kelsey at Frontline. I mean it was tremendous. It was about opening your eyes to the new life God has given you through the sacrifice of his Son; which focuses on Romans 8.

I keep thinking about each day new mercies are granted. Life begins anew with every sunrise. Nothing can separate us from God, once He dwells in you.

It’s all a growing process… I just need to wake up and arise.

I think I look like my Momma in this picture

P.S. I look like my mom here.

The Long Day is Over

“Feeling tired, by the fire, the long day is over… With no reprise, the sun will rise, the long day is over” Norah Jones

Tuesday started off on a bad note… especially since Monday night was so on point. First off, I have to get to work at 8am. This is a huge leap since it’s such a challenge for me to get to work at my normal start time of 8:30. I love to sleep. If allowed, I could pass the whole day in bed without qualms. But I made it to work on time.

There’s a meeting at our old office for the next two days. And since I’m on the low-end of the totem pole, I’m in charge of setting up the facilities. Well when I get there, breakfast hasn’t arrived. First error specifically since I called the day before to confirm the order and the time for all catering to take place for the meeting. I call Cosi and ask where is my breakfast? “It’s not supposed to arrive until 8:30″… No ma’am I called an instructed you to have the breakfast here by 8am, you are now 20 minutes late, get me my breakfast. “Oh the man must have forgotten to leave a note”… Again, not my problem, we have a meeting that starts in 10 minutes and I need the breakfast here now.

It doesn’t matter that this is the 5th time I’ve talked to Cosi, nor that the start of the meeting changed last-minute so I rushed to call all the caterers. Or that the typical meeting fare of sandwiches wasn’t good enough for this crowd, so I had to order from different locations… the first thing my meeting contact asks when walking through the door “Well, L, where’s breakfast? I thought it was supposed to be here at 8?”

Ma’am… get out of my face! This is your meeting not mine. I’m already cranky because I missed a whole hour of sleep to get here early and you come in the door spouting booyang! The nerve…

I calmly explain about breakfast and continue setting up the projector, the beverages, stocking the fridge, stocking the coffee machine, and everything else that doesn’t get completed by the receptionist that we have on staff to do all the afore-mentioned. Moreover, the projector stops working. I call IT… “Hey M, could you help me with the projector? it’s not working.” “Well, L, I thought J went up there yesterday and got it all squared away?” “That’s what he said M, but it’s not working” “Well then reboot it” “Where’s the power bottom, M?” “I don’t know I’m not there”

Listen here sir, I put in my request for IT help days before this meeting. I gave you all the details (time, date, location, and equipment to be used), the least you could do is your job in response. Well I finally get the projector working. (yay me). “Hey L, people will be dialing in, could you set up the phone” “Sure, C, what’s the number?” “It’s an AT&T connect.” “Ok what’s the number?” (longsuffering sigh) “Well give me a few minutes L and I’ll pull it up”. Ma’am, when did mind reader become part of my job description? You’re an Inc employee… I work for HQ, that means we have different AT&T connect dial-in numbers not to mention the individual id number that you have to enter in order to start the call… How the crap would I have that personal information? While she dilly-dallies, I finish stocking and setting up the meeting.

“Hey L, why isn’t there any coffee?” “Well we have a self-service coffee machine in the kitchen”  (time passes) “Well I don’t know how to work this machine, I guess I’ll just drink water” (blank look) “The instructions are on the front, but let me show you…”

Is this a race thing? I’m the only person of color in this department…

My (male) boss opens his laptop…”L, why isn’t my computer working? Is it broken?” I have psychokinesis too… “Well M are you connected to the network? Did you connect your (free-standing) laptop to the network extension with a blue cord?” “Cords?!? I need Cords?! I have no cords, come fix this” Well yessah massa I’ll juss ‘as mosey on down. “And my laptop is dying I need a power cord”. Sir… each laptop bag issued by IT is equiped with every instrument and tool that you will need to remotely (i.e. away from your laptop stand at your desk) connect to the company network and work uninterrupted. You have two of those said bags and only one laptop… (blink, blink).

“L, why are there no working printers here” “L, I had to leave some documents on the printer because it was “warming up” (which usually happens when it’s not in use for a week), so I need you to get them from the printer” “L, I need a working mouse” A slave by any other name would work as hard, I happen to be called L.

I was only supposed to be at that office until 8:30a, at 9:45a I walk over to the other office to start my work day. Only to have to go pick up their lunch at 11a, drop it off, and set it up…then and only then am I granted a reprieve to nourish my body. Oh wait, were you thinking that I was invited to partake in their fare that I chiefly ordered and provided? No mon cher, that would resemble politeness.

You would think Wednesday would start better… well I decided to carpool this morning. So I leave my house at 7 to drive to a co-worker’s house and get there by 7:30 and then drive into work about 7:45. I walk immediately to the old office to prepare for day 2 of the meeting. This time I’m early, only two others beat me there. At least breakfast arrived on time.

I walk into the conference room and see yesterday’s lunch on the bar. Excuse me? Too good to clean up after yourselves? I clean up, set up, and still have to stock the fridges… And where is our uselessly charming receptionist? Hasn’t arrived yet. She’s supposed to be at work at 8.

This time I had lunch delivered because they wanted pasta instead of fajitas. So I bust my butt back to the other office to set up lunch. It was much easier than Tuesday, but still time-consuming because the rest of breakfast needed disposing. This time I arrive when they break for lunch. After I finish setting up, I linger to see if they will invite me to dine or take a plate to go. “so guys, how’s the food?” [exclamations of ooh’s and aah’s while their mouths are stuffed] “Umm great! I’m glad, this is the first time I ordered from this place” (linger, linger) “Ok then, enjoy lunch I’ll be back around 5 to clean up.”

I can’t abide rudeness… if there was any day that I needed happy hour, it’s today. Well at least it’s almost over.

P.S. I don’t even have a great outfit to fall back on… I look a little bummish today because I had to leave so early to meet my carpool. No Bueno.

Lucky

“Boy I hear you in my dreams. Feel your whisper across the sea. I keep you with me in my heart. You make it easier when life gets hard.” Colbie Calliat

  So it’s Monday night, which normally means the gym and then church. Well I skipped the gym thinking that I would go home and take a nap, instead I went home and watched Drop Dead Diva. Suddenly it seems that I’m so busy on Sunday night’s that I have to watch DDD on On Demand. Well I was watching Season 2 Episode 8 entitled “Love Conquers All”, and falling in love all over. Deb was upset over people only seeing her as Jane since she’s in Jane’s body; but her mannerisms, her fashion sense, her personality (aside from the momentary smart-freeze) are all Deb. Even worse she tries so hard for Grayson to see the Deb in Jane and realize that the love they share can conquer all.

It brought me back to Episode 5 Season 1 when Deb/Jane sing “Lucky”, which was Grayson and Deb’s song. I cried that episode. It exemplified the journey towards proving your love, fighting for your love, and trying to get the guy you like to like you back.

Even more the entire struggle chronologised in the show is like mini-ministry for me. I often feel like I’m struggling for the outside world to see the real me. To see the me that I see inside and have that image reflected back. Instead I’m more likely to confront a stark contrast to my mirror-me.  I frequently hear that I’m too big, I’m too loud, I laugh too loudly, I snort, I’m too nice, I’m not nice enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m too young, etc… I really could take up a whole blog post with all these phrases. In order to combat these unflattering images I diet, I work out, I hide my true self, I stay quiet, I act ignorant, I embarrass myself publicly and act like it doesn’t bother me. With all these controlling tendencies, is it a wonder that I struggle with contentment?

In general, I’m very happy with myself. I’m finally starting to reach a place where I’m comfortable in my own skin and I like myself… no wait LOVE myself.  And as odd as it may seem, I commiserate with this onscreen starlet more than anyone else when it comes to this issue. In truth, she’s the reason why I changed my wardrobe. Honestly, she makes plus-size look good! (And C is my Stacey!)

At any rate, the sermon at church augmented my feelings of self-satisfaction.

The sermon was all about Biblical Womanhood: The Qualities of a Godly Woman, which is a caveat of the It’s Complicated Series. There are two things that woman battle with the most in their walk with Christ: Contentment and Control.

Contentment: Woman often compare with other people, other woman especially. We see what others have and we believe that what they have makes them happy, and so we strive towards what they have in order to have that same level of fulfillment. And yet, in terms of Christ, true contentment can only happen when we have little to no control over our circumstances.

Pastor P asked four questions: 1) Are you content with the way God made you? (Umm that would be no… I could stand to lose about 50 pounds, my shoulders are too wide, I hate my feet, I wish my hair would perform on command, I desire a HUGE butt) 2) Are you content in your current circumstances? (Negative… I want to go back to school, I want to be out of debt, I want a job that I love going to everyday, I want a life of excitement and travel, I want to own my own home, I want a dog) 3) Are you content with your background? (No again… ask how many of my friends have met my parents… enough said). 4) Are you content with your relationship status? (Most DEFINITELY not… I’m wifey material. I’m past regular wifey, I should be a trophy I’m so bloody good. If I can humbly say so)

A true life of contentment applies despite and in spite of our circumstances. Too often we allow our circumstances to dictate our contentment; therefore we feel we must control our circumstances. BINGO! What did she win Alec? A life of unhappiness.

Authentic spiritual contentment is the “ability to accept yourself as you are, where you are, who you are, and with what you have. Remembering that God on his time/ schedule is working on you, through you, and for your perfection”. Thank you Jesus!

Contentment can only be found through experiences; experiences that shake your foundation and force you to give up control to God. 

WOW! I mean Jesus literally came down from his throne on the right side of his Father to bring this message to me at the right time. I love God. I mean if I would just let myself be happy and stop wishing for tomorrow… imagine the power I would have? I would have a type of spiritual strength that allows be to respond Biblically to my circumstances.

New prayer: Be thankful for what has been given and not resentful for what we think we’re missing.

2nd continued prayer: That my family would come to Christ and know this kind of eternal peace that only God in his trinity can provide. I want them to feel what I’m feeling… I want them to know how wonderful it is to have enveloping arms hugging you constantly. I want them to know the relief that I feel that all of my sins are washed away with each sunrise, each day is new.

I praise you Jehovah Jireh… I praise your name Jehovah Eloheenu. Thank you for picking me.

P.S. Pics of the new loving me attitude:

Previous Older Entries