Freak

“I can, I can be a freak, every day of every week. This is something that I love, listen I’m about to teach, Every single girl should embrace their inner freaky freak. Don’t be scared, don’t be shy, yes you gotta let it be. I can give instructions if ya like to, like to hear me speak.” Estelle

*Warning* this post is a little… raw.

I really need to stop. Like honestly. I really think it’s the new underwear and lingerie. It makes me feel sexy and then I do all these sexy things… but I need to bottle it up for a while. For instance, last Friday I almost gave into temptation.

We were celebrating the go-away of a colleague at Happy Hour. No biggie. I should have left when happy hour was over. But no… they convinced me to stay. Not really that hard because it seems like I have no willpower. So on to my second Blue Moon and playing shuffle board with the group. Why did M have to stand next to me? I mean I liked the boy from way back when he first told me he was into The Office. And now he’s back, skinny, but still cute.

So we’re playing shuffleboard and I’m failing miserably… he’s talking smack, and me being the ghetto girl that I am at heart, I have to talk bigger and badder game. The real ignant side of me came out… *sigh*. But it was all in good fun.

So clearly it’s like 9pm. My good buzz has worn off but my cheeks are flushed still flushed and my mouth is real loose. I clearly needed to go home. What do I do? I drive a whole car load to The Light Horse where we have dinner. By this time I’m already imaging all the freaky, nasty things M would enjoy me doing to him… the DEVIL!

So of course after dinner there’s dancing. That was fun. I’m pretty sure that everyone in the bar saw my underwear multiple times as bent over to show the world exactly what I’m working with… *sigh* Good times. well until I ripped my already too tight in the rear dress.

Then I had to be saved from this crazy stalker dude that keep trying dance with me. Every where I turned he was positioned behind me, M had to gallantly save me each time. *hero worship*.

So when the night was over I was rationalizing how I would get the other person in my car home and then get M into my bed or  get me into his. More importantly, I was trying to calculate how many sin-points I would be earning on my record. Then I tried to picture the morning after…

Clearly Jesus had other plans, M was dropped off first.

It’s hard not to be tempted when you’re lonely. And I’m not lacking in friends lonely. I just hate waking up to an empty bed. I miss that feeling of having someone’s arms around me while I sleep. I miss the warm lump and pillows aren’t cutting it anymore. It’s hard. Because sometimes you just want to feel desired… even if it’s only for a few minutes.

the slang term for freak: a. a person who has withdrawn from normal, rational behavior and activities to pursue one interest or obsession: a drug freak. b. a devoted fan or follower; enthusiast: a baseball freak

Clearly, it’s irrational to sleep with someone you don’t know and to be extremely enthused by the prospect, i.e. I’m a freak. It’s ok though. I’ve already accepted that part of my personality.

What I need is self-control, self-control, self-control… and to stop listening to Estelle.

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