Gravity

“Gravity it working against me. And Gravity wants to bring me down. I’ll never know what makes this man, with all the love his heart can stand, dream of ways to throw it all away. Gravity is working against me. And gravity wants to bring me down. Oh twice as much, aint twice as good. And can’t sustain like one half could. It’s wanting more that’s gonna bring me to my knees. [repeat] Oh Gravity, stay the hell away from me. Oh Gravity, has taken better men than me (and how can that be). Just keep me where the light is. Just keep me where the light is. Keep me where the light is. Keep me where the light is. C’mon keep me where the light is.” John Mayer

Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming and no one can hear me. I have a vast knowledge of words, and yet Latin spews from my lips. Though you hear me, you’re not listening close enough to understand.

I feel a thousand years old with no place to turn. When did people become so selfish? When did we stop caring about each other? When did we let our emotions blockade us from doing the right thing? When did humanity become misanthropic?

Maybe I’m wrong: wrong for thinking that we should take care of each other; wrong for thinking that we can have relationships without guile or artifice; wrong for thinking that we are stronger as a collective.

I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been in my life. Not betrayed so to speak, but knowing that I have no one with whom to talk about what’s going on… would you even understand? YOU DON’T EVEN LISTEN. Someone’s life is at stake and you’re asking me to watch her drown.

For the first time since becoming a Christian, I don’t feel connected with God. He’s in a coma and I’m diligently by his bedside waiting for movement. I know this is a test; another mountain to overcome, but my heart throbs from the loss of eternal comfort in this hour.

Is life an ever-revolving door of injustice and disloyalty that we’re asked to forgive but can’t forget? The worst part is the silence. Since the recent news of Thursday past, I’ve found myself just staring at walls. My smiles are forced; I”m in the group, yet I’m but a shadow of my former self.

I remember just last month when my smile was so easily forthcoming; where my the tiny sparkle in my eyes never ceased to charm. I’m on the outside looking in and the view is broken.

“So take a good look at my face. You’ll see my smile looks out-of-place. Look closer it’s easy to trace, the tracks of my tears” Smokey Robinson

Normally all I need is a good movie or a great historical romance to set the asymmetry of my life to a perfectly vertical line. But even with everything I’ve tried, I’m still 3 standard deviations away from dead center. And there’s no one here on the outskirts of this bell curve.

What to do? I better learn to face it alone… Perfidy is a bitch… but I guess that’s the reality check I needed.

I just need to focus my attention on not losing her and let all else come secondary. I don’t have time to the trifle wastes of time that weaned me away from life.

Keep me where the light is. If I go Rogue… I’m not sure what could bring me back.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Judy
    Oct 18, 2010 @ 10:43:33

    hey, it is the “power of the air” that is working against you. You wrote: “For the first time since becoming a Christian, I don’t feel connected with God. He’s in a coma and I’m diligently by his bedside waiting for movement. I know this is a test; another mountain to overcome, but my heart throbs from the loss of eternal comfort in this hour.”
    Please know that God is there, he didn’t move, you did. Talk with Him, he understands even the murmurings of our heart. Find eternal peace in His word (the Bible) not in the lyrics of a song.

    I will be praying for you.

    Reply

    • justlissen
      Oct 18, 2010 @ 13:05:45

      I thank you for your comment… but you have NO IDEA what I’m going through. I appreciate your comment. Follow the blog to see what happens next.
      Thanks for your prayers.

      Reply

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