To Sir With Love

“Those schoolgirl days, of telling tales and biting nails are gone, But in my mind, I know they will still live on and on,
But how do you thank someone, who has taken you from crayons to perfume? It isn’t easy, but I’ll try.
If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters, That would soar a thousand feet high, To Sir, with Love
The time has come, For closing books and long last looks must end.  And as I leave, I know that I am leaving my best friend, A friend who taught me right from wrong, And weak from strong, That’s a lot to learn, What, what can I give you in return?
If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start, But I, would rather you let me give my heart, To Sir, with Love ” Glee Rendition

 

 Day 12: The Retirement

I originally started this blog post on the 13th… which was about 3 days into the Love Cleanse. Well things happen: Family Issues, Second Job, maybe New Job, Sleep Deprivation, Softball win…etc

I kind of feel like Michael Jordan when he left the Bulls to play baseball… I left love to be single. And like MJ, I’m sure I’ll realize what a failure I am at baseball and go back to what I know best. But I better have tried all options first.

It’s not so much that I’ve given up on love…more like I’ve retired from the girlish love fantasies that have plagued my life since Simba met Nahla. The internal alarm clock has sung and the reality of life has kicked in. So long rose colored glasses… so long eternal optimism. Hello bitter-sweet cynicism.

Though I’m not really at such an extreme, I have safely shelved my Hollywood romance quest for a safer eyes-wide open approach. Instead of being the woman that I am: investing time and energy in a possibility vs. a sure thing; I’d like to be that kind of girl who can share her cookies with any hungry and willing partaker. Lay with them and leave’em: a true Mae West philosophy. “A dame who knows the ropes never gets tied up”.

I, unfortunately, am not that type of Dame–>I get more tied up than a bull at a rodeo. But what if I lived the type of life where when someone exclaims: “Goodness, xxx” I can respond “Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie”.

I’ve placed a dam to obstruct the ebb and flow of love. I’ve just grown tired. I feel a hundred years older than my 22 years. I don’t think this was the point of the love cleanse: you’re supposed to go through the process and renew your love of love.  More importantly it’s a chance to find yourself in the miasma. Luckily I have found myself… but I can’t say that I’m too pleased with the discovery.

I’ve become the Carmen Jones of love: “One man give me his diamond stud, and I won’t give him a cigarette. One man treats me like I was mud, And what I got, dat man can get. Dat’s love, dat’s love, dat’s love, dat’s love. You go for me and I’m taboo. But if you’re hard to get, I’ll go for you… But once I got you, I go away.

It’s not that I ever go towards guys that are attainable… that would be too much to ask. I like the chase… To be the hunter. Pow Pow, you’re dead… and I walk away.

As I watched 500 Days of Summer it struck me that we all go through these phases where we search for perfection, not realizing that perfection has no depth. We try to find our emotional truth in a person who returns our kisses but not our ardor. Love is a phase, which can last or fade.

I’ve had good times *cough* half smile *cough*, love has taught me a lot; but I’m burying that knowledge until It’s ready to be realeased.

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