Stupid

“Loving you is stupid, Cause I know that you never really loved me. And you never gave me the signs Id see, That you and me were ever a possibility. And I feel so stupid… I can’t believe you never knew how I felt… How could you do me like you do. Cause I’ve been so stupid for you. And I’m the one played. And I’m the one left with all the shame. I’m stupid baby, Stupid darlin’ ” Toni Braxton

Some days I wonder about myself… like really wonder how I could be so dumb. Wonder why I’m so blind to the signs and ignorant of the facts. As I lunch in my office, eating this delicious spinach salad with mushrooms, cucumbers, beets, and apple chicken sausage *yum!* with champagne pear vinagrette…I’m reliving the facts of this weekend and shaking my head at how easily I revert back to the habits of old.

Remember the Love Cleanse? The committment I made to myself to stop falling for guys just because I want to be blue on the spectrum? Well that went right out the window when I received the party invitation and thought that possibly I would see him…

Well I did see him. In my brand new outfit that I picked out to impress and accentuate; I smiled widely when he was the first face I saw.  Of course since expectations are usually just shit on a silver platter rather than a plastic plate, the night unfolded like a scene from Mean Girls. I found myself in competition with a virtual stranger (in the broader sense), trying hard not to let the green undertones of my skin clash with my maquillage. But when she sat on his lap while I begrudgingly looked on from my gollum-hole of a corner, the healthy camel broke and it was time to leave.

As dumb as I may be sometimes… as easily as I let my emotions get in the way of rational thought… I refuse to be Helen sitting in the restaurant, wiping away tears as couple gets engaged, because my husband of 17 years viciously kicked me out of the house.  So M and I went to Tom Tom’s to dance.

Thank the Lord that M came to visit that weekend… my rock, my Tre… Love her!

Tom Tom’s was good fun. I left random men accost me at every turn, but I saved my special dances for the 6’5″ bouncer who literally picked me up… WOW! The music’s ok, the fan is blowing straight on me, and there’s enough space to dance.

And then they show up. My attention is immediately riveted to the door when they enter and glued to the bar until they leave. I can no longer lose myself in the music because “the precious” has arrived. “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, ticksy, false!” Who knew that J.R.R. Tolkien would sum up my life in a few sentences…

The icing? They might have gone home together… allegedly. But who cares, right? I have no prior or future claims to the object of my adoration. It’s like having a pending patent but not filing the papers… #fail.

And if he really wanted to get to know me there are no obstacles… well there were none, until now. The door is closed, the key’s in the Potomac, my eyes are looking toward the window now.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale… Smell the fresh air?

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