Speechless

“I’ll never talk again, oh boy, you left me speechless, you left me speechless so speechless. I’ll never love again, you left me speechless, you left me speechless, so speechless. And I know that it’s complicated, But I’m a loser in love, so baby, raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts, of all my wrecked up friends”  Lady GaGa

Of course I receive the most disturbing Facebook message from MYD. Why does he do this crap?

“j ai trouvé une fille nigerienne qui m aime trop et moi je suis d elle je voudrais meme faire un projet de mariage avec elle car je n arrive plus a me separer d elle t-res sympa et amusante aussi on veut tous vivre ensemble…mais plein de choses nous sommes un tresor i can’t forget you.”

For those of you who don’t speak French… Basically he said that he’s found someone who he really loves and who loves him in return. He can’t possibly think of separating from her. And in summary he wants to marry her. In the same sentence, before the period, he said: but I think of all the times we had together. My mind goes back to June, July and all the moments we had. Our time together was a treasure, I can’t forget you.

What in the world?

For one, where does a guy get off even saying these things? How do you think this makes me feel? LIKE CRAP. I mean I don’t take this as a compliment. This is the same dude who told me he wanted to marry me… marriage is like asking someone out to dinner for him; it’s the next step in the progression of the relationship.

First of all, you’re profession of love really makes a mockery of not only our relationship, but your current one.

Secondly, you look like an IDIOT.

Thirdly, you have NO IDEA what love is.

A guy recently told me I think like a dude… I would agree. When I’m done with a relationship, a man, a moment… then I’m DONE! There’s no going back, there’s no erasing the bad memories.

My body definitely holds a memory longer than my mind. I think about those mind-blowing kisses. I’ve never been kissed like that! And I think about the times you would hug me or put your arm around me. I remember all of those dances, where you held me close and breathed in my scent.

THEN those memories are transformed into nightmares of the times I begged you not to leave. Of the scorn I received multiple times from your mother where you literally THREW me under the BUS. I’m haunted by the times you ignored me, abandoned me, and rejected me… Where was the love then, nicca?

WHEW… those resurfacing recollections that have scarred me for other men. Take your notion of love and your new relationship and rocket your selfish ass back to Pluto, you jet-black son of a biscuit-eater.

I’m so done with you…

This Bed

“This bed Is too lonely without you (Baby) Don’t wanna hold my pillow, I wanna hold you Please be beside me These king size sheets Need more than just a queen In between ’em This bed Is too lonely without you So why don’t we Go inside where we can be together? You mean more than anything Stay with me Wanna be with you forever” Alicia Keys

Should couples live together before marriage?

http://www.helium.com/debates/66022-should-emcouplesem-emliveem-emtogetherem/side_by_side?page=46

 Recently, I’ve been addicted to reading debates by author’s on this site hellium.com.  Sometimes it’s hard to come up with topics that extend beyond my surroundings. Even more, I feel stagnant in my journey right now. Things are hectic: work, singledom, church, sorority, friends. It all seems like a pre-planned reality t.v. show where I know the storyline and the drama. At times it’s nice to just breathe by having a conversation outside of my zone of comfort.

*inhale*… living together before marriage. Breakdown: living with a man, a man who I’m (hopefully) in love with, living in the same house day-in/day-out, sharing the same bed, BEFORE marriage.

*ponders* The short answer, the impetuous side of me, the spontaneity that decides my actions before I’ve considered the entire spectrum of possibilities says HELL YES!

*little dance* This would give me the opportunity to play house, to spend all the time in the world with “mi amore”, to wake up to him, to lay down beside him, to embrace the moment.

*cough* Key word here is “play” house. I’m the wife, you’re the husband… but it’s only a game. We each have predetermined roles based on gender and societal norms… traced from the moment Tarzan met Jane.  Here I am playing June Cleaver: dedicated to the needs of my husband and family; my interests are that of a perfect lady: cooking, needlepoint, the poor. You’ll never see me with a hair out-of-place; my presentation is perfectly coiffed and delicately made-up. My life solely revolves around you and your concerns, because after all this is pretense and my assumed occupation is homemaker.

*poof* When the bricks of air pull me down and force me to wake up, my heavy-laden feet break the fragile egg-shells. Ideally, I want to be the perfect wife, homemaker, beauty-queen, lover, friend, confident, etc to my husband… not just my boyfriend or even fiance.

*sigh* As cliché as it may sound, I want the security of a ring, of vows made before God, of finally becoming a three-strand cord, of personally and privately dedicating our lives to one another. I want us to learn to be individually responsible for our individual household, finances, futures before we cleave eternally to a lifetime of shared burdens.

*blink* Even more, I want the surprise. The surprise of knowing what your breath smells like in the morning… the surprise of your restlessness as you sleep next to me… the instruction of teaching you how to wash dishes my way ((laughs))… the intrigue of coming home to YOU cooking dinner… the suspicion of where you hid the gifts during the holidays… the excitement of hearing the door chime and the gush of wind as you enter the house; the house we started in together and made a home. 

*giggles* too much? Yea, the last line was a little chick-flick-ish. But the truth is, I want to know you well enough to envision my life with you; but I would prefer to grow in love and togetherness, making our way through the wilderness of those first few years without past-precedence.

*exhale* For the long answer (as previously described), I would not live with someone before getting married. If we are willing enough to even make an expensive-ring decision, then we are mature enough to wait 6-12 months before completing pre-orientation and starting the everlasting commitment of joining our lives together.

Change your World

“Oh when you stop And start falling in love It changes your whole world Turns you upside down I never knew (oh I never knew) About real love (real love) It changes your whole (turns your world upside down)” Anthony Hamilton

With Valentine’s Day coming and going, it got me to thinking about LOVE. The funny thing is that I’ve been so caught up in other people’s relationships, or lack thereof, that I haven’t really thought about my single state.

From single to in a relationship; new love to past hurts; newly wed to divorce; love everlasting to widowhood… it’s been a rollercoaster of liaisons of which I’ve lost track.

It propels me to consider how desperately we want love and how singularly charged we are to find love, even if for the moment. Ironic to think how quickly we transcend from “I would never date him” to “we are SOOO in love”, or “I’m not the relationship type” to “yeah we hooked up and now she’s pregnant”.

Over the weekend, I had a V-day dinner party at the house. There we watched marathons of  “Beyond Scared Straight”. And much to my shame there was this really attractive inmate that repeatedly caught my eye. “Raise your standards”, one girl said. “Well that’s where all the good black men are, cause clearly they’re not in church”, replied another.

Why does it even matter? I’m not remotely concerned about being in a relationship, but the desire to not be alone  is strongly there. 

Then there’s the life changing aspect of love. But could that also be attributed to permanently reestablishing your perspective to extend beyond your bubble? If so I’m in love everyday. 

At the heart of the matter, what is love? Remembering all of my past relationships: how they started, how they ended; I wonder if I’ve ever been in love.

Oscar Wilde said: When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

The truth of the matter is that I’m the great deceiver. I continually believe that I’m in love or I’ve fallen for someone, but in truth I’ve found a temporary outlet for my loneliness. In self-examination, I realized that my Eros love has always been Philos love with “benefits”. For me it’s been more of a Pragma love… a love with mutual advantages but never completely fulfilling or committed— by either parties. I can’t say that I didn’t learn a lot from my past partners, but they were hard lessons that I definitely should have delayed.

My sisters regularly belittle my attachment to romance novels (always historic and fantastical, with that underlying notion of love everlasting and overcoming). I like  to believe that one day all forms of love will meld together to form a truly manacle relationship; that I will experience an all-consuming Eros, a slow-developing Storge, a slightly contagious Mania, and an outwardly displaying Agape.

Until then, I honestly don’t mind waiting. I truly, deeply would not consider settling. I want that world-altering, gravity-defying, time-stopping, strength-renewing type of love. And that desire, that need, that all-empowering WANT motivates me to be patient.

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