Sexy Sadie

“One sunny day the world was waiting for the lover, she came along to turn on everyone. Sexy Sadie, the greatest of them all…She made a fool of everyone. Sexy Sadie The Beatles

 Do you ever find yourself looking in the mirror for long periods of time? Contemplating, dissecting, erasing. Starring at the things you like the most: sunken eyes that hold a special sparkle, often hiding beneath the sleep-deprived freckled skin; a warm smile with everlasting cheek creases and indentation too faint to be dimples; hair that swishes like a clanging bell; moles and beauty marks inherited from a long lineage of strong black women.

Features with promise are often overshadowed by an ever-expanding waist line; hips that can barely hold a belt; shoulders stooped with burden; arms like elephant trunks with black caved for elbows. Legs smooth as silken sheets mocked by legions of scars and shadows; feet that refuse to bend to ballerina proportions, wide enough to maintain a zip code with cute toes that are rarely painted.

I see things that I love uncharacteristically tainted by a scale that tips positively or negatively toward perfection. Morphing in heated sand crystals into angles that best showcase the internal image of beauty.

Where does this all head? I heard demeaning comments about bodies that I covet and compliment; beauties that I aspire to mimic determined to find disfavor in an appearance salivatable.

When are we satisfied? When does the sun tan instead of burn? When does the mahogany we see actually appear to be a diluted caramel? it’s anew year, a new month in fact and I’ve yet to accomplish a thing differently.

Why is it so hard to wake up in the morning. Why does the dawn of a new day elicit dread instead of inspire greatness? How do we wash away the pity? If I had a  magic wand I’d wish away our insecurities and make them sources of pride and beauty.

Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted for saying: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  So why is it that we constantly allow society to bash away our hopes and confidence merely because we don’t fit the “ideal image”. What is “ideal” anyway? Should I continue to compare myself with starlets like Minka Kelly, Crystal Renn, and The Kardahians? Can I not be satisfied, content, excited  about who I am presently?

“Be Great”… a new motto from a friend, but does “Be Great” mean “Be improved”? “Be Better”? “Be… DIFFERENT”?

I do have goals in regards to my fitness. I mean doesn’t everybody? Even my sisters, who I think have perfect bodies, are immensely dissatisfied with their lot in the gene pool. Genetically I’m supposed to look completely different. Short, extra-large bottom, petite all over. Unfortunately I originate from a unique breed, distinct from all other traces of a common genealogy. I’m taller than most in my family, built like a line backer with broad shoulders that descend to a narrow hip cavity and straight legs. No protruding hips or butt from this pedigree.  I’m amply busty, but that trait arises from either corner of the stock.

Unlike most people who can say, “I look like my mom” or “I look like my dad”, I look like a visiting stork had navigational difficulties and dropped me from exhaustion. I winded up in the lap of a lovely couple (insert sarcasm), that I hardly resemble.

But I digress, my fitness goals…

I’m officially a pescetarian… yes my loves: no meat (aside from seafood), no cheese, no eggs. And I joined a gym. I’m an official bunny member of Planet Fitness. I bought a bike… which I’ve ridden twice ((blushes)). I’m going to make it! My goal by the end of 2011 is to have lost 10 pounds 6 times (for those that are mathematically challenged that’s 60 pounds). Even more, I’ve engaged the services of a health coach/ dietician to encourage and guide me on my journey to healthy weight loss.

But dude, if I can be honest, this crap is HARD! Do you know how much I love PIZZA? I mean truthfully, if I could, I’d eat it every day! The bread, the cheese, the toppings… YUM! and even more I LOVE turkey bacon. I mean what is Pancakes without bacon? The syrup drizzled so nicely over those fluffy spheres with a delightful crunch from the crispy bacon. *wipes drool* it’s soo GOOD!

But it’s about lifestyle changes right? Can I make a lifestyle change that positively affects my health? This is a long sustaining commitment that I’m making with my body to “Be Great”.

Even more I vow to do stuff for myself. For instance, I recently trimmed my own hair. And it turned out great. No more raggedy ends for me! Around the same time I started doing my own mani-pedis to soften the ever-present calluses and buff the constantly growing nails.

I sincerely feel better about myself. It’s the little things mostly. In order to “Be Great”, I have to be great… right?

 *sigh* I can’t help but question why other people don’t see the Sexy Sadie that I see now, even with all the flaws. I mean I’m consistently changing and improving, but where is the person that sees me as perfect now?

Not to brag, but I have a BOMB personality. I mean I’m funny… like really funny… like Kevin Hart funny. I’m super nice, kind-hearted, caring, giving, selfless, family oriented… Doesn’t that interest you? Sure it’s not the first thing you see, but these manners will stay around indefinitely. Doesn’t that attract you more than my ever-fading beauty? For now, I guess it does not, but I believe that one day this will change.

Until then, I guess I’ll just keep striving toward “Be [ing] Great”.

*Author’s Note: “you” is figurative, not literal toward any one person. Thanks!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Ragged Company « The Soundtrack of My Life

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