Change your World

“Oh when you stop And start falling in love It changes your whole world Turns you upside down I never knew (oh I never knew) About real love (real love) It changes your whole (turns your world upside down)” Anthony Hamilton

With Valentine’s Day coming and going, it got me to thinking about LOVE. The funny thing is that I’ve been so caught up in other people’s relationships, or lack thereof, that I haven’t really thought about my single state.

From single to in a relationship; new love to past hurts; newly wed to divorce; love everlasting to widowhood… it’s been a rollercoaster of liaisons of which I’ve lost track.

It propels me to consider how desperately we want love and how singularly charged we are to find love, even if for the moment. Ironic to think how quickly we transcend from “I would never date him” to “we are SOOO in love”, or “I’m not the relationship type” to “yeah we hooked up and now she’s pregnant”.

Over the weekend, I had a V-day dinner party at the house. There we watched marathons of  “Beyond Scared Straight”. And much to my shame there was this really attractive inmate that repeatedly caught my eye. “Raise your standards”, one girl said. “Well that’s where all the good black men are, cause clearly they’re not in church”, replied another.

Why does it even matter? I’m not remotely concerned about being in a relationship, but the desire to not be alone  is strongly there. 

Then there’s the life changing aspect of love. But could that also be attributed to permanently reestablishing your perspective to extend beyond your bubble? If so I’m in love everyday. 

At the heart of the matter, what is love? Remembering all of my past relationships: how they started, how they ended; I wonder if I’ve ever been in love.

Oscar Wilde said: When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

The truth of the matter is that I’m the great deceiver. I continually believe that I’m in love or I’ve fallen for someone, but in truth I’ve found a temporary outlet for my loneliness. In self-examination, I realized that my Eros love has always been Philos love with “benefits”. For me it’s been more of a Pragma love… a love with mutual advantages but never completely fulfilling or committed— by either parties. I can’t say that I didn’t learn a lot from my past partners, but they were hard lessons that I definitely should have delayed.

My sisters regularly belittle my attachment to romance novels (always historic and fantastical, with that underlying notion of love everlasting and overcoming). I like  to believe that one day all forms of love will meld together to form a truly manacle relationship; that I will experience an all-consuming Eros, a slow-developing Storge, a slightly contagious Mania, and an outwardly displaying Agape.

Until then, I honestly don’t mind waiting. I truly, deeply would not consider settling. I want that world-altering, gravity-defying, time-stopping, strength-renewing type of love. And that desire, that need, that all-empowering WANT motivates me to be patient.

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