Scared of Lonely

“I try to be patient but I’m hurting deep inside And I can’t keep waiting, I need comfort late at night And I can’t find my way, won’t you lead me home? ‘Cause I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me I’m scared of lonely.” Beyonce

The rocket launches: Why is love so hard? I mean like is easy. I like people generally, without artifice or reservation. But to push past that initial “Hey, I like you, honestly…” there are so many road blocks and barriers. Maybe it’s a woman thing, but I’m all in from the beginning: no guard, no barrier, the walls crumble. It’s funny but the more I get to know someone, the more walls I create. How can you really get to know someone? The 50 million questions you ask. The countless text messages. The late night conversations that leave you wanting more. It could all be a lie. The “game” that we play in relationships. A parlay where the terms are pre-negotiated and you’re unprepared.

“You’re amazing”: I feel unprepared. The naiveté with which I approach situations typically renders me bruised and hollow. Didn’t you realize that I could be what you wanted? Are you blissfully unaware of the compliments that sear my soul and at the same time cleave me to your presence? Here I am enraptured by a conversation where I am the only participant.

“I fell harder for you”: Be transparent! The glass is two-sided, but I’m so captivated by the self-reflection, I forget to look for the portrait on the other side. A random moment of comfort and I’m left embarrassed. Friends… I guess my mom is right, you can never have enough. But not you… I didn’t want you for a friend.

“You’re something else”: I believed the game. Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore, I  guess I should take Ronnie’s advice. I broke so many rules, what’s one more right? Who cares who’s last on stage playing the broken-hearted girl while the rest of the casts rests peacefully for the next day.

“When I first met you, you struck me as compassionate, funny, outgoing, and God centered.” I’m really not mad at anyone but myself. I do this every single time. EVERY SINGLE BLOODY TIME!! Good Lord, I pray for your forgiveness… one day I will learn the errors of my ways and be better.

“I am more attracted to your personality and your spirit, and want to know more”:  I’m like the best 401(k) offered by your company. You’re 100% vest from initial meeting. I match every emotion until you max out. I continue to accrue interest even though the original spark to invest diminishes. You put only enough work in as you deem necessary, and I take what I’ve compiled from the introduction to construct my own portfolio, without your input. Overall, I’ve gone rogue.

Capcom comes on the speaker: Shuttle Craft TML (too much love), it’s time to come back down now. The only thing I feel is dumb. There is an overabundance of self loathing the peels layers and layers of my dermis to reveal the tender, soft flesh below. Again, chere? Again, you charge head first without even the slightest provocation. Leave it alone.

I do this often, and I know it’s just me. Nothing’s wrong except a bit of bruised pride. The silly band has retracted back to its original shape. But will someone ever really Just Listen?

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