How Will I Know?

“I say a prayer with every heart beat, I fall in love whenever we meet, I’m asking you what you know about these things. How will I know if he’s thinking of me? I try to phone but I’m too shy (can’t speak), Falling in love is all bitter-sweet…” Whitney Houston

*WARNING*: All blog posts are not created equal… have caution!

How do you say to someone, Make love to me? *pause*… *stop the track*… BRAKE!

This is not for today or tomorrow, but engagement ring down the line… How do you say that?

Should it be a natural inclination? How do you know if someone is sexually attracted to you? How do you know if their lust is directly pinpointed to you? C’mon, I know this isn’t a typical “Christian” topic but honestly it’s PLAGUING me. Granted I think it’s because this dude is in my space, but not necessarily or presently making moves. I know as a girl I should focus on “love”… “does this dude love me?” Well I DON’T NEED IT!

I know I’m loveable. I’m very loveable. But am I @$%#able? Oh Lord, Jesus, I am strongly in my flesh right now… so let’s explore.

—>He touches me. There’s a definite lean in, he sits so close. The arm-in-arm walking. The gentle nudges. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Like are you being nice? Is this because you’re hard up? Am I the only one uncomfortable by the situation?

—-> Perceptive glances. I’m watched microscopically, especially my eyes. He said my eyes express my emotions before anything else. I definitely believe my eyes are vividly articulate and won’t let me hide my emotions. I never catch him checking out my body or looking down my shirt. Trust me that I watch him just as closely as he watches me. My acute vision rarely misses a movement. I don’t have the most desirable body of a super-model– but I’ve got shape & curves. I’m good.

—-> Introduces touch. He touches me… I guess I’m guilty because I definitely grasp or grab back *tsk tsk*. I can’t be a Beta if I’m always commencing… SN: What the crap is he thinking?

—->A-TEN-TION! I really love the attention. The starving child invited to fine dining, with atrocious etiquette. Starving ain’t even the word, baby I’m Hon-Gray!

You know how I envision the night? I imagine that there’s a delicious hug when we first greet: an exchanging of warmth where I inhabit his cocoon and swallow his scent. Hmmm…. The fabricate of this delicate dream creates a fuzzy image of my head on his chest, my nose enshrouded in the clavicle; I breathe—*inhale*, *swallow*, *sigh*. Spicy, woodsy, clean, fresh… *drooling*. The hands run up and down my back, brief squeeze, then the disengagement. I think I like the initial absence from the branch, as much as I like the cocoon.

Then randomly as we walk he grabs my hand. That feeling when someone can’t help touching you? When they are so overwhelmed with the desire to be next to you, even if it’s the barest hint of appendage to appendage.

Even more, I brainstorm of the kiss. A friend recently told me that I was a dude to be like “B, get in the car!”… true story. Dominate me! Push me up against a solid wall, cup my face in our hands, tilt it to your comfort, and have at it! Make my lips your ice cream. Lap it up and make me believe your eager ardor!

Whoa *pant* Whoa… I think I had hot flashes of Idris Elba, Will Smith, Adam Rodriguez, & Goldfish #2 in there. They all jumbled, careened in my brain to become with ideal HUNK.

Too much? Maybe too much. I feel like Eve staring at the glistening apple, hands outstretched, sun beaming off the candy paint red— what to do!

Truthfully, this is what I pray for actively. I pray to not think about Goldfish #2’s… anything. So what to do now? I realize that he and I should have the talk: Are we just friends? Do you have… an objective?

There’s too much tension! I mean I have things I want to say… Ok, focus, literally focus! What would you like to see in the interim? Could you text me to say “Hi”? I’m obvious in my feelings. I’m the perfect kindergartener— colored inside the lines, used decent descriptive colors.

The text means so much more than “Hi”… it means “I’m thinking about you”; “I have interest in seeing you again”; “I remember the fun times we had the other day”.

—>Engage and launch the meetings: say you want to hang out; say that you want to do things together; say that you want to be around me & are willing to sacrifice other things.

—-> Be consistent! I leave every meeting confused. That may be the simple coherence right there! Goal: leave her uncertain; Achieved: Check. Overall there are things that contradict previous statements, that moreover contradict present actions.

AAAAHHHHHH! What do you want from me?

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