Daddy’s Little Girl

“You’re a treasure I cherish, all sparkling and bright. You were touched by Holy and beautiful light; Like the angels who sing, a heavenly thing; And you’re Daddy’s Little Girl”  Michael Buble

She must have been 11 or 12, the ripe age when you still enjoy Barbie’s and Disney movies; the powerful years when you’re daddy’s approval and acceptance determines the type of men you’ll allow into your life in the future. In this era, the simple hug, the listening ear, the doting glance delivers such a profound impact to a desperately self-conscious girl on the journey toward womanhood.

I couldn’t help but stare. The way he eagerly turned his body to engulf her body in a chaste embrace. How he patted her hair as she babbled incessantly on the train. The way he freely approved of her independence as she escaped the embrace, only to welcome her back warmly as the heat evaporated, and she sought the comfort familiarity of his arms.

It was almost too perfect and personal to watch. He would remove his headphones just to hear her inconsistent gibberish. Would pat her hand or cheek as she asked the most asinine questions. Never once did you hear a harsh tone or distant reproach. He was just happy to be in her presence.

I think about C. About the” fortuitous” meeting. About me desiring his acceptance; craving a cuddle. I think on the image of this father genuinely coddling his daughter, and I honestly feel I did C a disservice. I never really wanted his squeeze, but that of an adoring father.

So I journey from place to place, from man to man ultimately longing for a parental adoption that replaces the absent father that I feared for so long. And I want that… that intangible acknowledgment that suppresses the unwanted emotions of inadequacy, self-doubt, low self-esteem.

I pine after men that at once pull me close, and at last push me away: my need too great, my sadness too extensive. I know I’m emotionally needy; like a junky needing a fix, I hunger for extrication from this dismal itch.

For every man I’ve ever disrespected or inevitably hurt, I apologize. I just want to be Daddy’s Little Girl.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Jessica
    Apr 18, 2011 @ 10:43:11

    beautiful.

    Reply

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