Take My Hand

 “Lord I stand before you once again, I’m so glad that I know you understand, I done everything I know how to do, and as usual I end up crying out to you, I tried so hard to do my best, but I don’t feel like I’ll make it through this test, I can’t remember feeling so much pain and my tears keep falling like the pouring rain, I try to force myself to wear a smile but it’s just not there, this pain I’m feeling deep inside my heart seems so unfair, it really feels like I won’t make it through another day, so I stand before you with a broken heart and all I can say is precious Lord please take my handFred Hammond

“Lord I stand before you once again…”

Today is better than yesterday but I’m still standing here broken. I’m disgusted with my worthless, inadequate self. Memories that float like heavy rain clouds… Why do I do this? Why do I continue to let Jesus be an afterthought? All I want to do is cry out my apology.

“As usual I end up crying out to you…”

All I want to do is apologies, to all parties. I want to say how much I never meant for any of this to happen. How I know that consequences suffered by the masses are my fault. I prowl, claws elongated, wantonly I lick my lips with predatory gleam as the muscles in my back clench before I pounce. The object evaporates before me, and yet the effort exerted leaves me a tired, disappointed thief. I stole what was not mine to offer from a golden tabernacle, from a secret pavilion with eunuch guards… handed over a prize without considering the value. Again I have been weighed, measured, and found wanting.

“I can’t remember feeling so much pain…”

I’m hurting all over: voiceless. I can’t move from the pain. The self-inflicted pain that my mother says I seek desperately in hopes to harbor like a lonely martyr. According to her, I do this “time and time again”; that I want to be debased because in actuality “I have no value”. Can’t express how much that hurt. How inconsolably I cried at 3am in the Arlington Cemetery circle. Faced with the onramp to 395 and driving off the bridge, I was definitely at a crossroad.

“My tears keep falling like the pouring rain…”

I don’t remember the last time I cried so hard or for so long. Languishing in my sobs, racking my ribs with heartbroken pleas; I begged. I needed the pain to swiftly dispel and bring back the joy that normally permeates my body. The morning after, I still couldn’t control the wretched wailing. At first I let the shower weep for me, until the flashes started and the memories swept in with flourish. The first yowl was a surprise as my knees weakened and the sorrow overwhelmed me. No movement, just the soft slosh of shower water as I sit hugging my knees in protest to the pain. Please God, forgive me.

“I try to force myself to wear a smile, but it’s just not there…”

With as much tact as a drag queen, I applied makeup to conceal red-rimmed eyes, splotchy cheeks, and a wallow complexion. How can I be so dumb? How can I continue to be so disrespectful? Do I even care about myself? I scoff it off to impulsivity, but if you rearrange the letters, it simply spells DUMB. Where was the sound mind, wisdom that I was promised? How could I lose sight of Your face, when I need you most? But I’m faced with the answer I don’t want to acknowledge… it’s all my fault, and my transgressions are the result of my evil.

“I need to feel your loving arms again…”

I don’t want to be a regret. I don’t want to feel indistinctive, common, and forgettable. I want to be unique. I only feel this special, rare, genuine love when I’m wrapped in Your loving arms, Father. Help me to feel those now. Help me to seek those only and always. Help me not to move from your loving embrace. Because I stand before you shattered; hiding from mirrors, avoiding my reflection from shiny objects. I don’t want to see the failure that stands before me.

“I will make it if you Take My Hand…”

Petulantly, purposefully, passionately I hold my hand outstretched and it rests there because I’m not patient. Lip protruding, toe stomping, eyes glaring… have I not learned my lesson? Why won’t I wait for You to answer? Why is waiting for the breakthrough so hard?

“Hold me and if I know you’re holding me, then I know my breakthrough is on the way…”

I’m sorry that my love is inadequate for your sacrifice. I’m sorry that I’m constantly circumventing your plan for my life. Help me to understand. My heart will say yes to no one but you, and as the tears fall… I will remain ever ready and ever waiting. For your forgiveness of all my sins, for your ever prevailing goodness in the face of my evil, for your unconditional love in light of my selfishness… I LOVE YOU LORD.

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