Just Like Water

“Bathing in the fountain of his essence He causes my expression to remain Humbled on a mountain by his presence Washing my intentions with his name Sealing off the floodgates of his passions Saving all his liquid for his own Moisturizing me to satisfaction In my imagination? No no! He’s pouring out his soul to me for hours and hours Drawing out my nature with his hands Yearning I’m so thirsty for his power Burning to be worthy of his land He’s just like the water I ain’t felt this way in years He’s just like the water I ain’t felt this way in years” Lauryn Hill

I find myself in a place that I havent been in for a very long time. Being played, but not really caring because I am inevitably controlling the game. These inconsequential battles are nothing compared to the overall war, because I’m Switzerland… neutral to all consort for either sides. I have no stake in the declaration, and for once I’m just having fun.

I feel like I’m watching things from the outside in. A spectator in my own life, I’m unprepared for some of the choices I make. Throbbing, thumping sensations replace rational thought. I feel the wind move but I’m unaware of the rain that falls. I’m unsure of how to handle myself in the situation… especially when all emotions are off. A puppeteer gleefully controlling the strings as I dance giddily to some insipid melody.
Fortuitous: coming or happening by a lucky chance… a bold, even courageous, opinion of myself hoping to inspire devotion while I slowly remove myself from a too-comfortable grasp. The easy word-flow of prolonged companionship, I can see the upcoming blockade as I pull away and demand independence of my thoughts. Information at once uninhibited, now becomes the Hoover Dam preventing spillage and destruction. All in effort to hamper emotions from a non-neutral participant; war-ravaged, desiring relief… feeling rebuffed. Who wins when you watch the other person lose?

My brain says, not again. Not again. Not again. Feeling the burden of someone else’s emotions when all you want is a few moments of solace? A dew drop of consolation? A moment of excitement in a dull environment? All that can be provided, with stipulations and consequences.

Where do things stand, when the tornado runs through? A tired ache reveals unhealable wounds. How do you cry “stop” while a voice whispers “shh”? To which voice would you listen?

“I just want you around” croons Lauryn Hill in a voice that requires compliance, knowing that in this equation y > x = complication. With the anticipation of an escalating rollercoaster, the options are simple: a) stay on the ride, b) sound the alarm and exit the park. Knowing that I’ve already bought the ticket, whats the harm? How many loops will there be? How worse of could I be: windblown, anxious, turbulent stomach ache? What about the sting of never knowing?

It’s hard when a right-side-of-the-road driver, ventures to a foreign territory that only accommodates left. With a vow to diffuse any awkward aftermath, I listen to the click, click, click, click as the coaster clanks to the top of the hill before the great fall.

Play Ball?!?!


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