I’m not the One

“I’m better off, Better off left alone, Cause I’m not the one, No not the one. You wanted it all, But I give you none, I’m not the one” The Black Keys

After a few weeks of awkwardness, we finally had “the talk”. I knew it was coming, and I knew he would initiate it (lol). I’m usually not the “girl” in these situations, especially when I refuse to invest my emotions. But he knew how I was. He knew how it would be. I let him read about my love, in effort for him to approach the situation eyes-wide-open. Overall I think the whole situation is hilarious.

I knew from the beginning that this dude didn’t like me. In my heart of hearts, everything seemed mechanical. I usually don’t like to compare, but in talking with LC it’s hard not to dissect the difference. MYD would curl my toes, launch my rocket, and haunt my dreams with his kisses… so to go from that to robotic motions where I’m contemplating my laundry, ehh not a good look. But I think I wanted to be what he wanted/ needed at the moment, and I ignored my impulses.

When he hugged me/held me I did feel something. That’s the only time that I knew I was special and not just that girl. Apparently I didn’t say all the right things in response to his “we need to talk” text. Was I supposed to cry? Should I have shouted? Was there supposed to be fireworks?

I told him from the beginning that he wouldn’t get to see my vulnerable side. I mean I literally said, you couldn’t handle it… and you probably won’t stay along long enough for me to be vulnerable. He’s afraid I’ll push him away now, that this developing friendship will deteriorate. I can’t help who I am, especially with the upcoming change. I’m sure we will reach a point where he won’t hear from me anymore. Especially if he wants me to initiate… ehh I’m not there anymore.

I wish I could turn my emotions on and like you. I mean I do like you, I’m attracted to you but I don’t feel that way about you… I can only laugh at this, because I already knew. And I think that’s why I couldn’t hold his hand or his arm. Why I would hesitantly hug him. Why I maintained my distance. You can’t create passion! It’s like the air, fluid, undisciplined, unpredictable… you can’t fake it either.

You’re really astute, I mean you knew before I did. Umm hello? If you had once in the month of acquaintance told me I’m pretty, I’m beautiful; responded to a pleading text message with a courageous response, originated the dialogue… I could have responded in kind. But because none of that was there, because I was the puzzle and not the flower… I knew there was no need to invest. This was a passing moment, and I should just enjoy the ride. So I did.

At once I’m proud of my self. Proud that I ended this on a great note. Proud that I’m reserved and in command of my emotions. Proud that I only wavered a little, but I’m not regretful.

At last I’m a little sad, I don’t think you can go through the past month and not be a little sad at the loss of a possibility. Because in truth, I do longingly ache to be loved and have someone love me in return. For someone to see beyond the mask and like the fragmented picture beneath. To feel secure in someone’s embrace and not shy away from their touch. And since this isn’t an immediate option, it’s a little heart wrenching.

But I’m comfortable. The horizon is bright. And I’m content in being the friend.

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