Ragged Company

“Oh Lord, can you see my thick skin wearing thin? And the demons of a lesser me are beckoning me in? Those who gathered ‘roud me I’m watching them all leave. ‘Cause I am my own ragged company. ‘Cause every town’s got a mirror And every mirror still shows me That I am my own ragged company. I am my own ragged company.” Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

Ragged: Rough, imperfect, faulty. Company: Companionship, association, fellowship, assembly, crowd.

I have a tendency to aggressively yank people toward me… to lean on them with a dependency that is at once frightening and at last overpowering. I physically beat you down with my emotions, with my faults hoping that the image I see in your pupils reflects the wasteland that I see in the mirror.

And then the comparison starts. I look at the other and wonder what mistakes were made with me. Why can’t I be beautiful? Why can’t I at least be attractive? Can I have at least one complimentary physical feature?

Without those moments of insecure musings, I’m fine. Today marks the day that I’ve lost 22 pounds. That’s a small child in most countries… or the approximate (false) weight of my cat…

I’m 1/3 closer to my goals  which definitely makes me feel better, but I’m wondering if this time will be different? Will I again gain back everything I lost and have to restart with the challenge to Be Great?

I’m trying to pinpoint the specific source of my self-doubt. I saw this picture mentioned on FB from one of the people I follow on twitter which discusses loving your body at any size.

The idea that we are the composition of our thoughts, that our self reflections are in direct correlation to how we treat ourselves… makes me ask “where is the love?”.  When did it become normal to dislike the (wo)man in the mirror?

There are a lot of things that I would like to change— immediately, but am I not patient enough to see the fruits of my labor?

I suppose I have no answers today or even a full post of coherent thought as logic slowly seeps for a deliriously tired brain. There is no turning back, but I hope that I gather more self-acceptance.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. A La Mode
    May 18, 2011 @ 01:50:15

    I love that picture! It’s so true!

    Stop doubting yourself!! I’ve found that the minute that I start to think that I’m going to gain it all back, is when I start eating out more and slacking on the intensity of my workout.

    And I no longer want to hear rude comments, as we have now lost the same amount of weight!!! YAY US!!!! Love you!!!

    Reply

  2. Son-Kissed
    May 21, 2011 @ 12:14:24

    Congrats to you both!!! Wow, what an accomplishment. Keep it up!

    I’ve been following The Biggest Loser this season and it’s amazing to see the transformation the people go through. I’m so proud of them; I tear up every time I watch. It seems like self-doubt is part of the journey, but it is something you WILL overcome. I love you both and I’m so proud of you both. Keep on keeping on till you reach your goal.

    Reply

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