Tonight is the Night

“Tonight is the night, That you make me a woman, You said you’d be gentle with me, And I hope you will. You’re knocking on my door and you’re ringing my bell, Hope youre not impatient after waiting so long, A whole year I put you off with my silly hang-ups, And we’re both old enough to know right from wrong… So let’s just pray, That true love is what we’ve found.” Betty Wright 

One of my good friends is a virgin and recently got into a relationship with a nice guy. Like most women do, she lied about being sexually active. When she got around to asking me whether or not she should sleep with him, of course I said no.

Giving up your virginity is a huge deal, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. It will translate into what type of relationships you have in the future. It marks the move of a relationship with you alone, to now panting for relationships with men for fulfillment. It also dramatically changes how you feel about yourself. This is by no means an argument to place your p… *cough* self on a pedestal, but I am a strong advocate for making smart sexual decisions. Those five minutes of intensity quickly evaporate to the consequences of letting someone in…

Here are my three things that I think every girl should think about before giving it up:

1. Is he worth it? You’ve been in a relationship with you for years. You know what you like, what makes you happy, how you feel love/express joy, etc. Adding that additional person to the mix makes it all messy. No matter what precautions you put in place, its very easy to lose yourself in the other person. You start to forget about the time/dedication it takes to manage your relationship with you and still make that other person happy. In truth, if he doesn’t see a future with you and you aren’t realistically expecting to stay with him long term, it’s not worth it. And if you believe you’re worth it, then he will wait.

2. Sex complicates a relationship. I just watched Friends with Benefits

which perfectly illustrates the complications of including sex in your friendship. The part at Dylan’s parent’s house where the sex becomes more intimate and less fun… yea that always happens. If you start to like the guy, you learn what makes him *cough* happy in bed and when you start to love him you crave how he holds you after. Sex with him becomes part of your relationship’s defining personality. The the quantifying dynamic is the importance of touching him outside of the bedroom, as well as within. And because selfishly selfless emotions tied to your interactions start to matter and weigh on your decisions, you actually care what he thinks about you. To prevent that maintain the play, hold off on the serious.

3. Sometimes wanting to be in love and being loved in return clouds rational thought. If women are cats, then the sappy romance of making a man fall in love with the “real you” is our catnip. Be it movies, love songs, books, FB statuses, whatever we want our life to resemble… at the center is this huge call to be loved. And we’re willing to curb everything, to forsake others, to ignore doubt for the brief glimpses of eternity he provides. Make sure what you feel is forever and not momentary muteness. There’s never a need to rush anything.

The say that everyone regrets their first, I just never thought I’d be one of them. I should’ve waited… waited until I loved me more, waited until I thought it was for real and not just to keep him interested, waited until I could be content with the consequences of giving it up. (I mean who tells you that after the first time it’s harder to say no with the next dude? Or the cravings? Yo, that’s a whole other post…)

But I didn’t wait, so here I am. No use crying over spilled bl… I mean milk, but I wouldn’t wish these regrets on anyone.

Readers: What about you? Any lessons learned from losing your virginity? Any advice for the abstinent? Feel free to overshare 😉

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. comedyandkryptonite
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 08:31:15

    Great Read!!! Do I have any advice… heck no!! I don’t even believe in kissing before the altar!

    Reply

  2. chunk
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 08:56:23

    Hmm. I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I waited what felt like a very long time to me (5 years past the first time I wanted to have it) and I don’t regret waiting, but I know for a fact I would have never waited well into my 20s… it’s just a part of life… and growth… and identity… and after a while holding off just becomes a bigger part of your life than it ever should be…

    I waited only because I made a commitment to myself to not have a baby in high school and that was the only way to guarantee it. *shrug* Also, at the time, my boyfriend was like 10 years older than me, so it was a something I needed to do for peace of mind (I wanted it to be legal- he didn’t know my actual age, and he didn’t know I was a virgin until after it happened- he was sad I didn’t tell him so he could have made it a big deal, but the thing was I didn’t _want_ it to be a bog deal)

    However, full disclosure: I feel like the importance of virginity is something driven by religion, and I’m not a religious person, so take my comment in that context.

    Reply

    • shetraces
      Jan 11, 2012 @ 14:48:09

      I never intended to wait until after my 25th but it’s so easy not to crave something you’ve never experienced. At this point, I think I just want to get it over with because it’s become a preoccupation of mine.

      Reply

      • justlissen
        Jan 11, 2012 @ 14:58:26

        It’s always a balancing act between whether you should just get it over with or wait for someone special, and then what does special mean anyway?
        Don’t do it if your not comfortable, if you can’t handle the repercussions which may include regret/guilt, and if you can’t handle the cravings later.
        Then again it’s easy to idealize something you’ve never had. The best advice I heard recently is to think of yourself as a treasure something that is protected/safeguarded and not as a trophy: won and then discarded.
        Good luck!

  3. BigSis
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 18:51:13

    I too know the pain of losing my virginity to someone that wasnt worth it. I still wish I had waited until I married my husband.

    Reply

  4. shetraces
    Jan 11, 2012 @ 14:46:31

    Wow. You really touched me with this post, as I am in your friend’s position. What struck me was the aftermath of the first- the questions you bought about it being harder to say no, etc. For some reason, I’m having such a hard time with the first time, I think it’s a sign from God that it should be a no-go for now.

    Reply

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