Welcome to the Jungle

“My uncle died, My Daddy did too, Paralyzed by the pain, I can barely move, My nephew gone, My heart is torn, Sometimes I look to the sky, Ask why I was born, My faith in God, Every day is hard, Every night is worse, That’s why I pray so hard” Welcome to the Jungle

I have in irrational fear of flying. More than the actual height, I fear the idea of what could happen should something go wrong while at such a high altitude. It’s a fear of falling… suddenly, without warning.

That’s how I feel knowing my brother’s gone. Every day I relive hearing the news of his death, I plan the immediate trip to AZ, I scour to memorialize his life in 2.5 days, and I land on the thought of his cold body beneath my warm hand. The interval of this memory has shortened from whole day grieving to short 5 minute spurts throughout the day. The broken body outline in white chalk where I landed sprinkled with fairy dust, electrocuted into motion: a zombie-like reincarnation remains.

I go through the motions but my whole body is numb.

It’s hard to determine the worse part of this experience, but my hate for everyone, the anathema of my character, borders on the top 5 things.

I don’t give two flying shits about anything and I’m questioning my purpose for being.

Yesterday while waiting on my lost luggage and living on the bare minimum from Delta Airlines, I laid my head on a softened hotel pillow, my last murmur to God: Heavenly Father, should you choose not to wake me up tomorrow, I wouldn’t be mad at all.

The ache of a tired soul often hides behind a wooden smile.

My last years of high school I lingered in a depressed state making daily plans of how I was going to kill myself. I debated between a tragic car crash, pills, a gun, and a whole mess of other dramatic scenarios. I knew though that I was gonna die about 32-33. My brother died at 32 on the eve of his 33rd birthday.

Grandma would say don’t speak of death lest it creep up on you; I’ll let you ponder that irony.

I can’t forgive myself for being a poor sister to my brother. I can’t forgive myself for not praying for him more. I can’t forgive myself for thinking of these great ways to help him but never taking action. I can’t forgive myself for him being gone and living with the regret of never telling him “I Love You” more.

This is the forgettable story of my short life: An amazing visionary without a solid plan. My legacy lies in boards filled with visions with no proof of my existence.

His absence is the validation of my failure on the only thing on which I stood firmly: my family. The pride of my family bond has gotten me through many a desperate time. A rocked foundation shakes even the firmest hand.

Nothing really matters anymore. I’m not sure I want to write anymore. Not sure I want to work anymore. Not sure I want friends. I’m teetering in every decision.

I just want to curl in bed and cry. Life is a freaking rollercoaster until it drops and I’m wallowing in a bottomless pit. It’s funny that though my life feels like it’s stopped, other people’s life keeps going. An object in motion stays in motion, at rest stays at rest.

I can understand people who turn to drinking, drugs, sex in order to dilute their thinking with immediate sensory overload. Like a kid with a paper cut I just want someone to hold me while I cry, wash away the blood, and give me a sense of home. I feel like I have nowhere to go; nowhere to run to escape the musings of my mind.

This may be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with and clearly I’m not handling it well.

Readers: Do you ever feel like you’re going through the motions? Any regrets? Things you plan to change?

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. De
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 11:01:05

    I have felt like I’m going through the motions. Didn’t want to go to work, didn’t want to go to class (when school came back on the scene), didn’t want to do anything. Just hide in my bed and do nothing. Or maybe watch movies or something if I felt the notion. I’ve said before I don’t feel like I’m doing anything with my life,despite what people have said. Sometimes I think they don’t understand what I mean. Nothing is the same anymore, so even being in school, while I guess it is something..isn’t really anything.

    Regrets…I didn’t know my mom was sick, so sometimes I wonder about how long she was and how I could have found out. Finding out the day everything went down, was horrible. Not that knowing would have made it better. I still wish I had talked to her that day, because I had planned to, was going to, but then decided I was going to wait until the evening to call. Then, I find myself wishing I had more of a substantial conversation with her the day before, because it was so brief. I remember she sounded tired, but I didn’t think anything about it.

    Things I plan to change…um…not sure if I “plan” to change anything,but maybe I hope as time goes on that change will just kind of happen? If that makes sense.

    Reply

  2. Jessica
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 01:21:00

    Everything you’re experiencing is normal — even though you probably feel like the most abnormal/lonely person on earth right now. It’s traumatic. And given how much you loved your brother, it should be. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, or think that you need to get better in just a few weeks. Feeling like you’re just going through the motions is very normal. It’s taken me 2.5 years to even really feel like I want to “strive” for anything, as opposed to just being. While I think about the “what ifs” (what if I’d prayed harder? what if I’d kept him home?, etc), I ultimately trust that there was a greater plan at work. I know that I am not responsible for the death. And so I try to focus on all of the good leading up to that point. Things I plan to change? — I try to stay aware of the fact that none of us truly controls our lives; things can change in an instant. I don’t expect bad things, but I just want to be aware of the idea that I’m living within the context of a larger plan, which I don’t fully understand.

    Still praying hard for you…

    Reply

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