Love In a Hopeless Place

Shine a light through an open door, Love and life I will divide, Turn away cause I need you more, Feel the heartbeat in my mind. It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny. But I’ve got to let it go.” Rihanna

I was talking to my aunt yesterday about the family. My grandmother died recently (Aug 8). There’s a grief attributed to her death closely linked to a lack of closure and understanding. I think we all have the same weight from her passing. I don’t even have time to mourn her what with the all too recent passing of my brother. Still there’s all this projected wisdom I think she passed down to me. Every time I say—“well my grandma used to say”—please believe those are fictitious maxims I’ve reconfigured with her voice in mind. But that’s neither here nor there. The truth of this post is found in the conversation with my aunt.

She politely pointed out that it was time to stop looking for love from my family that will never come. They have since moved on to find the love they desired in the chaotic nucleus of their own family. I’m now old enough to do the same. Because they are no longer in a position to provide the love I solicit (and require). I now need to lug the desire for unconditional love to a new provider; the old one is no longer in-network.

In a way I get it. Once you have a spouse and kids, your priorities shift. The harmony you seek is in your new household and not the one you vacated. You’ve transposed your needs to a new receiver, repackaged to make that old tired shit look vintage. And the collector you’ve acquired adores the valuable rarity they’ve uncovered. Your new focus is to preserve the mint condition of your product and protect the interests of your benefactor. Trust, you have my seal of approval.

The problem I have is transitioning years of comfort and complacency to a stranger… one that I have to find or wait until he finds me. Then we merrily dance age old steps to determine if I’ve got the rhythm and he can carry the beat.

I hate the introduction part, the two step to get to know the other, the covert glances that shy away from the truth— I’ve got baggage, suitcases really, and I’m looking for baggage that  fits with mine. A neat bow wrapped around our caravan, us the equally yoked oxen to carry the load: together.

My complication is the “Hello my name is…”, the blank with scribbled in markings that read “broken”.

But it’s time now. Time to play the numbers game, to extend the right hand of fellowship, allowing my thumb to caress his pressure point as we clasp hands.

Too many times, I hear how it’s time. Multiply the years, add in the sagacity, subtract the dumb decisions, divide by the bucket of missing… you’ll come to the conclusion that it’s time. Find love from people who want to give it, who have it to spare. Learn the difference between a general kindness and solid interest. Scale away the Josie Grossie. It’s time to stop feeling so hopeless and find— something.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. amaris79
    Sep 05, 2012 @ 23:15:01

    My mother had the exact same conversation with me a few years ago when she saw me trying to juggle the ex and the family for holidays. She told me “you know, it’s time to make some holiday traditions of your own, with your own family. Come see us the day after”. I was mortified, but soon understood exactly what she meant.

    You wanna know something, though?

    I have yet to meet a MAN whose mother has that same conversation with them!! Can someone explain that? Around me people get all biblical, talmbout “cleaving” and stuff, but I have honestly yet to meet a man that will even entertain the thought of Christmas or any major holiday at any other place but home. Is this a convoo that is only had with women?

    Reply

  2. justlissen
    Sep 05, 2012 @ 23:21:07

    YOU ARE SO RIGHT! Every man I’ve dated wouldn’t think of missing a family holiday with his family. A woman is just an expected to empty the nest and never come back. I honestly don’t get it. It’s another weird gender role that women naturally fall into I guess.

    Reply

  3. Diayle Davis
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 09:40:03

    Well stated Amaris79! It’s hard to get a man to make new traditions and start new things for your new “branch” of the family tree. Especially, when your traditions are drastically different.

    Reply

  4. maltice
    Sep 07, 2012 @ 22:58:51

    I agree Amaris79. I do think that most women are expected to make scarifices and follow thier husband’s traditions. I am a mother of a boy now and I wonder will I want to have the conversation with him when he has his own family or will i selfishly try to keep him tied to our family traditions.

    Reply

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