Stars

“All those times we looked up at the sky, Looking out so far, We felt like we could fly. And now I’m all alone in the dark of night, The moon is shining, But I can’t see the light, And I can’t look at the Stars, They make me wonder where you are. Stars, Up on heaven’s boulevard, And if I know you at all, I know you’ve gone too far, So I, I can’t look at the stars”—Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

I failed the #30in30 challenge mainly because I’m overcome lately with sadness. My heart feels heavy, encumbered; and I don’t want to write about it. I’m tired of writing sad posts. I’m tired of feeling doom and gloom. Weary, exhausted, emotionally spent.

Clearly this not sleeping stuff isn’t helping. Try as I might I can’t seem to get into bed at a decent hour. And if I do, my mind pitter-patters around sleep; the tiptoe of drowsy consciousness; the steady creep of rapid blinks until sunrise.

I’m falling to a depression. No one to talk to as thoughts asphyxiate a release of words. I don’t want to be anyone’s burden. I don’t want to say the same thing over and over again and hear the same response. Some things just won’t get better until more time passes. But time is the tricky wolf that tries to steal the moon. The more you build a stairway to the stars, the farther away they seem.

A weight carried solo, yet the anchor of loneliness is pulling me down. Even though there are people around, when I really need someone; when the silence shrouds, the corpse wrapped for burial, the sheet covering a still warm body—see the similarities?

I’m suppressing too much, not really talking about things, not dealing with them. I try and channel into other avenues. 10 pounds in three weeks. Pushing myself until the physical exhaustion overshadows the mental restlessness. I make myself run, chasing the song, escaping the thoughts.

I just wish someone was here, to hold my hand, to lean against. I get so tired of being strong, of trying to fix things, of pouring out. I feel so empty. The problem is I don’t know how to let people in, how to explain myself in person, over the phone. The yellow brick road of regret looks the same no matter how far you travel down it. Following each brick you lose sight of the scenery changes around you, so focused on the search for salvation in each terra slab.

I’m cold all the time. Iced, a grim kiss of mortality, a permanent chill. Not enough wishing in the world will make things different. My brother is still dead, my family is still struggling, my life is still a jumble of lost chances and untapped potential.

And to top it all off I’m so broke, back to scraping soldered pennies off the sidewalk. Peace be still yet life keeps moving on, river flowing, the tide dragging a sailboat to shore.

I’ve never been so uncomfortable around people in my life. I’m the company you invite as a last resort or with forced welcome. The mélange of too much of the wrong thing to say and conversation thwarted by cotton-stuffed ears.

I just want to stay in my bed for weeks. Not eating, not moving until the stench of my unwashed body alerts animal control of a rabid, malnourished beast; dry prongs from every corner to drag an invalid form to sunlight.

The trouble with death? You keep living.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tosh
    Oct 17, 2012 @ 12:48:08

    😦

    Reply

  2. d
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 12:52:28

    you are not alone…as i read this post, i feel like i’m reading my heart in your words. i hope that by now, you’ve found a way out of the dark twists and turns. I was fortunate the universe sent a couple of friends, they seemed to reach out just as i needed them. A night of different conversations with different people, all resounding with me, i’m still blissfully overwhelmed and still registering it all.
    “Depression can be addictive…that pain, pounding from the heart aching…it all becomes such a familiar place to go to. We don’t yearn for the pain like an addict yearns for the release of their addiction, there is no ‘release’, but rather we become ‘addicted’ to the familiarity of it all”
    I read in a book once, ‘the basis of all suffering is craving for and committing yourself to a specific outcome, that is completely different from the natural reality around us’.
    Her advice to herself, that she shared with me…a simple sticky note placed on her wall to remind her…i hope it helps you as it’s helped me:
    “1. find yourself; 2. cleanse yourself; 3. connect with society; 4. help others; 5. clean your heart and mind;”.
    The more we think about something, the more energy we give it, the more fuel we’re dumping on the fire…good or bad.
    two songs that i try to remember to listen to when i’m blue…(if it’s really bad, i practically ball! ahaha):
    “Diamond Road” – Sheryl Crow
    “Say (All I Need)” – One Republic
    The lyrics are like anthems for self love.
    light and love,
    d

    Reply

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