Ain’t it fun #writing101, Day 1

“If it don’t hurt now then just wait, just wait a while. You’re not big fish in the pond no more, you are what they’re feeding on. So what are you gonna do when the world don’t orbit around you. Ain’t it fun, living in the real world? Ain’t it good, being all alone? … Don’t go crying to your momma, cause you’re on your own in the real world.“ Paramore

People always say that it gets better with time. Well those people – the mass loads of bullshit slingers that create the space for clichés and euphemisms – they’re wrong: like the Earth is flat wrong.

It doesn’t get easier because every day I wake up and my brother is still dead and we still don’t talk about it. Or how my too-old parents are raising my 16y.o. nephew because his mother was killed by her drugged-up boyfriend in front of him at 2-3 years old, and his father died in 2012 on his way to the bathroom. And his stepmom—the only mother he’s known in his life—is now pregnant by some 20 year old loser thug wannabe.

When that’s your reality ain’t shit easy.

And not surprisingly there’s no motivation to be found in a world where everyone is looking for the newest, biggest, greatest thing; so your need to dwell on a topic that happened two years and 6months ago is taboo. Frankly dear, it’s time to move on.

Move on to what?

I wasn’t living the dream before he died and I sure as hell ain’t floating on a rainbow now.

And this whole idea of how it’s great to be an adult?

Fuck that.

All I do hourly is give away my intellectual property for a paycheck that Uncle Sam slices in to shreds where the scraps are used to pay bills for shit I rationalize that I need in order to survive/get chose/fill the gaping hole inside of myself with something other than food. And the more I live this life, the more I hate every bit of myself.

Because contrary to my current situation, I had dreams that far exceeded my present station. I wanted to travel, and live out of hotels, fuck random men, and drink endless amounts of wine all the while earning my living through some danger filled adventurous occupation.

Instead I sit in a cube farm 9-12 hours a day, wander lusting after shit I can’t afford, pinning amazing projects on virtual boards for whenever I find the time to be spontaneous and “productive”.

And then while I vortex in to this adverse dimension of myself I imagine coming home to flowers and neck kisses and surprise treats from Trader Joes, like that strawberry licorice that makes you want to rub your body on things in delight—purr meow purr.

I just want a little more jolly in this ranch corral life. I mean can’t even make friends who like—want to hangout on the weekend, who don’t mind movie marathons and who don’t expect me to supply all of the necessary provisions. It’s all “do for me” “buy for me” “take from me”. And it’s tiring.

Life is tiring. And it’s hard. And I see why so many people want to stay in bed all day with the curtains drawn, popping anti-depression meds that typically make you suicidal. Because no one prepared you for this shit storm. And no one wants to hear you complain.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amy Juicebox
    Jun 05, 2014 @ 00:14:41

    i want to lay down and cuddle with this post and sing to it – that it is the truth and is so real…


  2. Christina Kposowa
    Nov 01, 2015 @ 23:23:36

    Stumbled upon your blog again today and remembered how much I loved reading trough your mind. The world needs your brutal honesty, your craft. Heck, I need it. I’m blogging again and the web is chock full of gimmicks. I crave the real. By the looks of things, you’re a writer, so I know you need to write like you need to eat. Come back to us, maybe? Soon? I’ll be reading. xo


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