Sweet Shame

“It’s a sweet shame, I could be sorry for all the things I am And the things I ain’t We could give it some time and say that Things will change But, baby, things don’t change” – Kirby Brown 

The answer to the question “why did you stop writing?” is both simple and complicated. To sum it up, my brother died and my world fell apart.

I tried to hold it together for a couple of years, to lose myself in the present. It didn’t work. And then 4 years later, the fogs starts to clear; awakening in a new world of erratic movements on a tilted axis.

During the haze, I decided that instead of writing about things or wishing for things — I would give up the f*cks and just start doing things. I stopped social media, the mindless self-promotion, the eager posts for acknowledgement and acceptance — to just get to know people again. I added myself to person #1 on the list.

Who am I? A hot mess honestly — a vagabond, aimless wander, heart-sick traveler — an individual in pursuit of that hazy “something”.

The only aspect of my life that has remained steadfast and renewed at the same time is my relationship with Christ. I have a deep and profound appreciation of my Savior, Redeemer, and Lover of my soul. To know that at my lowest, I was still pursued by Jesus, that through every desert and in every valley — my Lord, my Fortress– was there. And I stand with confidence and conviction knowing who I am, because of Whose I am.

To get to this place, I had to eliminate — removed the need to be validated; released the individuals that constantly steal from my Piggy Bank of Awesomeness; refused to withhold opinions in uncomfortable situations; challenged what I thought was required or expected from me by others; allowed that space to be sad, to grieve; opened the avenue to be desperately alone; and finally learned to respect and honor people for who they are versus who I perceived them to be. Rinse and repeat.

I started to feel freer. Not all at once and not even halfway through, but in the last two years of practicing the elimination method (when consistent) brought peace and mental sanity.

The notion of liberty is not without its pitfalls. The practice of letting go is painful. You reexamine everything and place what’s unhealthy in the rubbish pile — preventing yourself, sometimes forcibly, from taking it back out again.

In the opening scene of Something New at the Valentine’s Day dinner with the girlfriends,  Sanaa Lathan is going through her list. She agrees to Let Go, Let Flow, they cheers — and she immediately goes back to adding things to her list of ideals.

I’d like to imagine that moving on is a constant process of adding things to a list, crossing them off, debating whether they are a necessity or preference. Because you do have to check yourself: what’s real? what’s a hard-line? over and over until you have an outline for how to move forward.

So why the comeback? Why now? I’d like to say that it’s because I’ve reached a place of healing and recovery — but that’s not the whole truth. Maying it has something to do with starting therapy again — but who knows for sure. After the “Great Divorce of 2018”, there’s a lot to process. Better out than in, as Shrek would say. I’m actually trying a variety of different outlets: coloring, knitting, meditation, exercise– and a few other things thrown into the cocktail, until I find what works.

Truth is, I’ve never lacked for things to say. And after reading Tiffany Haddish’s Last Black Unicorn, I realized I just have to let it out. Because on the inside it’s septic. So let’s pop the blister and cleanse the wound.

Cheers to Good Health!

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. D.Davis
    Oct 14, 2018 @ 08:17:13

    Glad to have your words back, I’ve missed them.

    Reply

  2. Evette
    Oct 19, 2018 @ 14:47:01

    I love you, Leslie! Welcome back. *hugs*

    Reply

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