Yesterday

“I had enough heartache and enough headaches, I’ve had so many ups and downs, Don’t know how much more i can take, See i decided that i cried my last tear yesterday, Either i’m going to trust you or i may as well walk away
’cause stressing don’t make it better, Don’t make it better, no way. See i decided that i cried my last tear yesterday
Yesterday, i decided to put my trust in you, Yesterday, i realized that you will bring me through. There ain’t nothing to hard for my God, no. Any problems that i have, He’s greater than them all, so I decided that i cried my last tear yesterday” Mary Mary

2 Kings 18: 5-7a:   Hezekiah trusted in the Lord, the God of Israel. There was no one like him among all the kings of Judah, either before or after his time.  He remained faithful to the Lord in everything, and he carefully obeyed all the commands the Lord had given Moses.  So the Lord was with him, and Hezekiah was successful in everything he did.
Joshua 1: 8: Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do.

Yesterday I thought I had a great day. I woke up before 7am. Crawled out of bed. I was able to get to work by 8:15, even with the deadlock traffic. I had a semi-productive day. I went to the gym and worked out for 2 hours. Then I went to church.

Well as I entered the church parking lot, Mary Mary’s Yesterday came on the radio. It’s safe to say that I broke down… I was crying in the car and singing along. I don’t even know why, but the song was exactly what I needed.

I really didn’t understand all this emotion until after the sermon. We’re in the middle of this It’s Complicated series. The series has taken a juncture in the right direction discussing Biblical Man/Woman-hood. Pastor Phillips was discussing Qualities of a Godly Man in last night’s sermon. No offense to Pastor P, but I feel like the qualities that he outlined defined where I lack most evidently in my Christian walk.

1) Knowledge and obedience to God: he discussed the idea of success and how it’s outlined in the Bible. Success and prosperity are not measured by outcome; they are measured through obedience. There are three questions to ask yourself if you are meeting the mark: a) obedience to God b) empowered by God ( seeking scripture and enlisting prayer before making any decision) c) doing things for the glory of God. In these areas I’m failing miserably, and I know it!

One thing that Pastor P stated was that the first step to obedience is to adjust your life to scripture instead of adjusting scripture to fit your life. I have been very selfish lately: in my time, in my finances, in my thoughts. I’m keeping all of these areas closed off to God… not purposely but because I’ve locked that closet and I’m searching for the key.

What am I doing with what I’ve learned so far? Am I applying these lessons; these sermons; the passing of the Holy Spirit in me? Am I wasting the talents that God has stored in me? Not just talents that I’ve acquired but innate talents that have laid dormant until I was saved in 2006? We are desperate for a generation who adjusts their lives to scripture and lives for Christ. Honestly, it’s time to start over. I can’t tell you where the fire has gone or why I’ve willing let things slip away… but it’s time to bring it back. Every action in our life is redemptive to make us more like Christ. My Lord, My Savior, the light of my life: Thank you for bringing me out of darkness.

I have three things that I’m going to be working on in the coming weeks: 1) speaking scripture in everyday life. I need to have devotion every day. I want to join a Bible Study or start one with my LS’s.  2) Meditate on the truth of God throughout the day. I need to read the Bible more. The answers are there but I’ve been too lazy to find them. I had a plan of how I was going to get through the Bible and I never followed through. Unacceptable! And my prayer life? That needs to get in order. Post-haste! 3) Keep God’s commandments and apply then rightly to my life.  umm duh? and yet I haven’t done it. My errant thoughts often hinder God’s voice from coming through. I need to have a snapping turtle’s hold on God’s Word; allow him to whisper to me as I walk through this journey; be silent and still so that He can shine when I’m dull.

Allow me to be more like you Jesus. ‘Cuz if you ask me I’m ready…

P.S. If you looked up gorgeous in the dictionary, you’d see me. *sigh* I wish you could see the shoes…

Make Me A Present of You

“I don’t want a mountain of diamonds, And a valley of gold wouldn’t do, but if you want to make me happy, Just make me a present of you! So I’ll take your arms for my palace, And the sky for my room with a view; I know that I’ll make you happy, yes, If you make me a present of you!” Dinah Washington

I don’t know if I like weddings or not… but I went to  D & J’s wedding today… it was gorgeous.

I think the reason why I’m so hesitant about weddings, is that I haven’t seen a marriage in my family work. Something MK said really hit me. “People enter into marriage for selfish, pleasure filled reasons”. Being a child of christ helps me to understand that marriage isn’t about love for one another, but an outward example of God’s love. That’s powerful. It makes me reluctant to even consider courting and thus the outcome marriage. Have I reached a point where I can be completely selfless and love my husband, submit to his will, let him reign over the household. After living an independent life since I was 15, often struggling to make decisions for myself but knowing in the end that the consequences only effected me; how do I relinquish this self-sufficient, darwinian mentality in order to cleave to my husband?

Clearly, I’m not ready. Ready to date? YES. Ready to get married, HECK NO!

Honestly, the biggest obstacle between me and a stable marriage is my family. You are to forsake all others in order to focus on the tripod that you vowed to uphold. My family knows that I would drop everything in a millisecond to take care of them. Until I learn to compartmentalize my life, my relationships will fail.

But that’s what I love about Christian weddings. They realize and acknowledge the true purpose of marriage. They have created a vision, with God in the centerfold. Their vows aren’t empty promises of love everlasting, but re-commitments to God’s truth and vows to uphold their Christian walk… but as a couple.

It’s simply beautiful.

I’ve included a few pictures because everyone should see a glimmer of true love… God’s love manifested in the weaving of two journeys.

I can’t wait for BABIES! 🙂

P.S. Note the dress… yea it’s new *muah*

Will I Ever

“Does it feel like ya, You’re never gonna find it, Does it feel like ya, Always one step behind it, Does it feel like ya, Out in this world alone ’cause you been lookin and prayin for love so long, Does it feel like ya, Wishing on a falling star
Does it feel like ya, Lonely and it breaks your heart, ‘Cause it feels like ya, Ready to let down your guard, Finding somebody’s just so hard” Lyfe Jennings

I have a strong heart to give love, but I feel like my pheromones aren’t strong enough for the opposite sex to detect.

For example: I decided to give blood on Thursday. I walk through the mobile blood bus and I see Michael Ealy aka the phlebotomist R. The saliva literally dried on my tongue when I saw him. He was tall, with broad shoulders, and southern hospitality. He immediately greeted me when I walked through the bus. He had the greatest smile: all straight, white teeth. Then his eyes were green with flecks of hazel. *sigh*… *sigh*. Not only did R screen me, but he took my blood. He was so attentive. Asking me how I’m doing; making sure that even though he was taking a lot of time, I knew where he was around the bus. So HOT! Then while he prepared the bag and the needle he asked me where I was from (Oakland, CA!)… “Home of my favorite football team” (R), “The Raiders?… SHUT UP” (L). Of course we talk about the 2010 draft picks, the disappoints, and the hope for a come back. Oh yea hunny, I may not know about sports, but I know about the Raiders!

Even when he was working on other donors he would look over at me… of course he caught me staring a few times. It was either stare at him or stare at the wall. I mean I would fixate on the wall for a few squeezes and then the sounds of his voice would capture my attention. In the end though, no dice. I leave the bus with nothing more than sparkly daydreams.

One of my coworkers said: “You want a man who chases you to like him, not a man you like to chase”. It makes sense.

Then I went to happy hour that night at Induj. It was lovely. I think that place is so awesome. Live music, great drinks, hot men (depending on what night you go lol). I always get the table by the window. If I had a “spot” that would be it.

Anyway, at Indulj there was another sexy man… Not my Michael Ealy, but a cutie nonetheless. He was tall, hippie-esq, with a funky goatee. He wore a button-down, black pants, and black shoes… Can you say homeboy had a job? Holla!

Anyhoo… I actually tried with this one… purposely catching his eye; smiling in his direction… Ya know flirting! No FREAKIN’ Dice!

Which brings me back to the whole point of the Summer Boo Challenge… If things had gone as planned I would have been on 5 dates by now. But it’s the end of July and I have not one date in sight. D is a lost cause… Ol’Boy hasn’t called me back and I’m not even sure I want him to; now it’s past awkward and is just irritating.

I haven’t heard back from the other 12 people who I asked to participate. I’ve already sent a reminder. The original plan was to only ask 5 people… but then when 3 of those 5 turned out to be non-responders… well I had to invite other people to the challenge.

In truth, there’s only so much I can ask of other people, and if it’s not going to happen, it’s not going to happen. Even more, the Summer Boo Challenge can’t turn into the Fall Boo Challenge/ the Winter Boo Challenge. I didn’t email the editor of Essence. Honestly you can’t suggest a blog about the challenge to the Editor when you have nothing to write about. So Disappointing!

I can’t help asking myself (even though I have faith)… Will it happen? Will I ever?

Until then, I’ll just continue on this journey to be a much more interesting person 😀